So, C and I broke up a few months ago and while I have handled it reasonably well, it still has been periodically challenging.
We basically broke up due to the distance, but I think there were some underlying issues that later came to the forefront. Things started back in late May or early June when I had told C that I had seen two really great jobs in the paper that I felt would be great for me to apply for. The jobs were based on Invisible Island and I had already been accepted to study for my Masters in Psychology in the UK. The idea was that I would move to the UK to study and C and I would live together and go on from there.
The thing is I had visited the uni when I was visiting with C in April/May, but I really didn't like the school and I did not like the area. On top of that, I was worried about taking more money out to fund my studies, while already paying for my last degree, but I also felt it was important to continue with my qualifications in order to improve my job prospects and to advance to the next level in achieving my goals. Something that bothered me constantly was whether C and I could live comfortably. I am not wealthy, but I do come from a vastly different background than C when it comes to lifestyle. She is by no means poor, but we definitely have divergent views when it comes to how we want to live. I also come from a very westernised culture (not unlike an American one) that is focused on achieving goals and material success and living comfortably. C seems to think we can live on "enough". I sometimes have felt she thought we could just live on our love for each other. While that sounds very sweet, it is not practical and I constantly felt that I was narrowing my goals and "dimming my light". I mean, I had goals before I met C and while I felt it reasonable and right to compromise on some things, I felt I was compromising on far too many others in my life in order to facilitate my relationship. It was not that she demanded this of me, but it was obviously necessary in order to be in a relationship. However, there are some limits...
When I came across these jobs, I was really amazed because they seemed perfect and I knew they would provide a huge salary. I figured I could stay for another year and work while saving money for us to make a good start. C was not totally thrilled about a further delay in us being together, but she was very supportive and said if it is something I wanted to do then I should go for it. She did not oppose the idea and it was left at that. A few days later when we spoke (and we had spoken a number of times before this - we spoke daily), she answered the phone very angrily and told me she was writing me a letter and she said she felt deceived. She said she felt I had planned this all along and had no intention of ever going to the UK to be with her. I was in total shock. It was so crazy! She was like a complete stranger. She kept saying I had just TOLD her that I was going to apply for these jobs without any consideration or discussion with her. This was also untrue! I have never behaved in such a way with C. It was so crazy! But she insists this is what happened and, of course, I reacted VERY strongly. I was so upset that she had characterised me as being insensitive and inconsiderate, when almost every waking hour I have spent trying to figure how to make things as happy and financially comfortable for BOTH of us in the relationship. I felt really hurt and then I told her I did not want her or the relationship anymore.
Over the a period of two or three days I ended up saying this to her on three occasions. The second time I think was it and then we talked again and I opened up to her (and apologised) and she went away to think about things and came back saying she wanted to be with me and she wanted there to be and us and how much she loved me. I was really happy about this, but she first told me this in writing before discussing it further....and I guess over the course of the night and with our subsequent conversation the next morning, I had a bad feeling about everything and felt really frustrated. The way she put it to me was like an ultimatum, telling me all this lovey dovey stuff about how much she loved me and everything, but then telling me if I was prepared to move to the UK at that time and leave my mom and everything on Invisible Island and get a job in the UK to pay off my loan and so we could live together than this would be the way to work through things. I just felt this showed she really didn't understand me or what I was trying to do. It just didn't feel right. When we spoke about it some more, I ended up telling her again that as much as I love her with all my heart I just could not be with her.
This sealed it.....
I did ring her a day or so later to talk with her and see if we could work through things, but she was done with me. I know I was wrong in how I handled things. What is worse is that she said everytime we had been together, I ended up saying at different times that I did not want the relationship. This is true. I do seem to have problems with running when I get frustrated and I cannot expect a people to put up with this sort of thing. I guess I just felt that C knew my heart and understood me and we did communicate so well and cut through all the crap when we had challenges. She always told me how much she loved the way we were able to communicate and resolve issues.
Whatever the case, I have tried reaching out to her and for a sec she did seem to waver a bit and said she would think on things, but she never did reach out to me and now it seems she has gone back to her ex, which hurts a lot. Also, the few occasions when I have spoken with her, she has spoken to me almost like a complete stranger.
Oh...and I did apply for those jobs, but ironically never got them. I had also declined the offer of a place to study for my Masters in Psychology and, instead, scrambled to get in an application for and MBA at another university. I got in and have recently moved to the UK. Now that I am here, I do have to admit, I am finding it extremely hard. That old lonely feeling is back and I am privately struggling. I guess it is hard to believe that I am here in the UK and C and I have broken up and are not in contact. I keep asking myself how is it possible that two people who seemed to love each other so much and get on so well - a couple who did not do drama in their relationship - could not cope with an issue the first time there was a big one. It is insane. On top of that I do sit and wonder if I was just a rebound when she and I got together after her last breakup, given that she and her ex had been together for over 10 years.
So, that about sums it up. I'm too tired to read this post over for corrections or to write anymore, but at least you get to know where things are with me....
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