I'm actually blogging. My first in over two months, but my last one for the year!
Life has been EXTREMELY hectic with my studies. I never realised the pace would be so hectic. It is WAY more challenging than when I did my last degree, but that is as it should be, of course. I will sit 3 exams in a little over a week and I have 4 very heavy assignments to complete by various dates throughout January. Am I anywhere ready? Errrrmmm...Nope! But, as challenging as the studies are, I think my real battle is with myself: trying to improve time management and organisation skills and addressing my enduring procrastination.
Still, overall, I've been doing okay. I do get lonely here, though. Because of the intensity of my programme, I am in classes all day, from 9 to 5 or 6 and then home, and then, not long after, am fast asleep, if I haven't been up reading. My classmates are nice, but no one I am moved to be that close with. Other than them, there has been little opportunity to meet other people. I did think going to a much bigger university would put me in touch with many more people, but it hasn't quite worked out that way. In the next term, I will have a go at switching things up a bit and see how I can meet more people, where possible.
Today, I woke up feeling a bit blah. Once in a bit that happens, but it did bother me because the day before I was so bouncy and happy and getting on with things. So, today, I was thinking about my ex and stuff like that a bit, although, as I type, I don't think I was thinking of her that much. Instead, it seems that the situation might trigger the mood or a bummer mood might get me to thinking of the situation a little. What I am thankful for, though, is that I am not obssessing about it like I did about past situations - those that took place years ago and I went on and on about on this blog! I actually went through my blog a month or two ago and I was really bugged by the patterns I saw in my posts. (How did anyone put up with reading all of that stuff?! I could barely take reading it myself as it was so cringeworthy!!!) I did not fully relate to that person anymore. It was shocking, if I am to be totally honest. Of course, I get down moments, but I don't think I allow them to be as prolonged or that I have such low self esteem and attention seeking behaviour as I did then. I was really starved for connection back then and as I read through my posts and thought back on how I felt back then, I am quite surprised, albeit happy, that I even made it through such feelings about experiences and myself. Whew! That's an achievement, so am patty myself on the back - and bum! lol!
I'm also thinking of redesigning my blog. Well, it really depends on how committed I am going to be to blogging. It's just that now that I am in a bit of a different place in my life, I would like my blog to reflect this. I want something that looks brighter, happier, alive, and fresh. Also, I don't feel "invisible" anymore - at least not anywhere like I did when I started this blog. I'm not open to everyone about my sexuality, for example, but to those who are closest to me, I have shared with them this aspect of my life. I am also not apologetic about it, either, nor should I be. I recall when I first would come out to people, I felt like I had to take care of my feelings and theirs; but I am not responsible for how they feel about homesexuality or bisexuality - about my sexuality. I think this is something that more straight people need to understand: that it is taxing enough for someone who is gay or bi to come out to them, without trying to take on the responsibility of how they (the other party) feel about it. These days I don't do that. I share and let the person do with it what they will. There remain some members of my family that do not know, like my nephews and such, but perhaps in time I will tell them. It is not a huge priority for me just now. That said, and although I prefer to be the one disclosing details of my life, if they or others find out before I share, then the world won't end.
So, the point is, I am doing okay and looking ahead to an even more fab 2011. I think it will be truly fantastic and I am looking forward to embracing all the joy that I am sure is to come!
I wish the same for all of you, too! Happy New Year! :)
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