What's the Kylie Minogue song again? Ah, yeah..."Can't Get You Outta my Head"...
What can I say? I've been feeling a tad wobbly, lately.
Generally, I feel like I am in some sort of emotional purgatory. Not feeling great, but not feeling terrible, either.
I'm a little bugged because I find myself still thinking about my ex more than I would like. I don't want to think of her at all, quite frankly; but EVERY single day I think of her. Usually, it is the first thingin the morning and often the last thing at night. Maybe it is because those are the most intimate moments -the moments I enjoyed the most about being in a relationship. You know that feeling when you just wake up and you have the person you love laying next to you and you pull each other close to cuddle and kiss as you whisper, "Good Morning"...and the same at night, before you fall asleep. Yep, that's my kind of stuff. I thrive on closeness and intimacy.
But, I guess it is more than this because much of what I think of when my ex comes to mind is how quickly she went back to her ex after we broke up. I do my best not to think of this or of her, in general, but the thoughts continue to come to mind. I wonder what it all says about me as person - my worth. I wonder if I was stupid. I wonder how we could not have worked things out if we loved each other so much. I wonder if she just preferred her ex over me the whole time. I wonder what it would be like if we stayed together; if we were together right now while I am here studying. I wonder if she ever thinks of me...if she will ever ring me. Once in a while, I foolishly wonder if she will ever show up at my door, during one of those unsuspecting days when I am busy doing laundry or studying or some other uneventful thing that has kept me from thinking of her and our time together.
Yes, yes....I know that is only the stuff that goes on in the movies, or something. I don't always think this way, thankfully, but these things do pop up every now and then and are stored in the back of my mind...reappearing when I am feeling a bit hormonal. Maybe that's what's going on with me today. After all, my tits do hurt.
The reality is that we will never ever get back together.
Intellectually, I do know that.
She is hooked on her ex and since they have a baby and I know how she is so attached to the baby, there is no way she will ever leave her girlfriend a second time. Knowing her, she probably feels guilty for leaving when her girlfriend was pregnant back when we met, so that makes it certain she will never leave, again, anyway.
I just think of all that time when I was trying to be ok about the two of them remaining friends while we were together. I am not a jealous person when it comes to that sort of thing, but I do believe in boundaries and had to assert my views in this respect with her on more than a few occasions. What I did appreciate about her was that each time she would address the concern I had, but it was still an issue at times - mostly whenever she would go back to the Czech Republic for a visit, especially because she stayed with her ex, given she did not always have a place to stay. I recall when she showed me pics of her playing with the baby and I really was okay with it at first. They were pics of her in her bikini in the bath and then in the buff (very European thing, I suppose). I still didn't mind, but then it occurred to me: Who was taking the pic? Her ex, of course. I still never freaked out about it, but I don't think such things are appropriate to be doing with your ex - even if you are sharing the pic with your current girlfriend. On another occasion, I remember how I sent her a video clip of Beyonce's song "Halo". I was trying to make more romantic gestures in the way that she liked since this was her kind of thing and she told me she wanted more of that of stuff. Lo and behold, the very time that I did it, she told me that her ex had sent the very same song at the very same time to her. (She told me she did not reply to her.)
So, it's shit like this that I think about sometimes. I really feel a bit stupid when I think of this stuff, particularly now that she is back with her ex. Also, if I am really honest about it, I guess part of me feels that if she had not gotten together with her ex (or anyone) so soon, then maybe we might have had a chance to mend our relationship.
The thing that is even more weird about all of this stuff is that there is another part of me that feels it is the right thing that we are not together, even barring the stuff I just described. There is a part of me that feels freer and that I can live my life in the way that I want; and I mean this in a way that goes beyond just being single. I felt a bit restricted at times in the relationship.
I think lots of people might have that feeling, but when there is also a lot of good stuff, they just keep at it, ignoring that nagging feeling that there is something that doesn't quite work. It is hard to walk away from a relationship where you feel loved and cared for and where there is not disrespect and drama. I guess people feel like things have to be really ugly before ending it; rather than walk away amid the good.
Whatever the case....I just wanna get her outta my head!
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