Last weekend, I met the Portuguese woman I have been chatting with. I went to London and we stayed at a nice hotel overnight and went for a lovely dinner at a fav outstanding restaurant. It was very nice.
We ended up being VERY physical and that was okay as well, but I think it all triggered quite a few things with me. She (let's call her P) is nice and everything, but it brought back a ton of memories about my ex. P is quite different to my ex, to the extent that some of the things she says or does really did make me think of my ex and miss her or the way the relationship was, at least. The other thing is that I belately realised that the last time I was with my ex was last year at this very time in London, when I was visiting her. We had also stayed at the same hotel and went to the same restaurant that I went to P with. Not a good idea. It only served to make more of the memories of my past relationship flood through.
So, in the morning, after our last physical session, P could tell something was wrong because I became a bit quiet. I kept telling her it was nothing and that everything was fine, but while we were at breakfast, I ended up telling her what I was feeling.
Something that I think really bugged me, is that P said and did a few things that reminded me of how I was in my relationship with my ex. They were not bad things, but they were things that made me think of how my ex might have felt at times. I was not a bad partner and I did understand my ex's perspective on things (even if I did not fully agree with her perspective at times), but my experience last weekend had me actually "feeling" and not just understanding on an intellectual level. This proved to be very powerful and has become a turning point for me.
I opened up to P about it and became quite emotional about it when I told her I missed my ex and realised it is still affecting me, even though I have buried it and moved ahead. She was really good about it, but became a bit emotional as well. But we spent lots of time talking about it that morning and I kept going between feeling sad for hurting her, and then angry for her telling me that as a result we could not pursue anything beyond a friendship. (Me and my bloody ego!)
Since then it has been a huge struggle to adjust to relating as "just friends" and we have had a few disagreements because of my struggle with it. However, I really want to handle this differently. I have a habit of becoming upset when someone says something is over or that we can only be friends, even though a part of me does not even want to be with them. It is as if I still want the person to keep wanting me, even though I don't want them in that way. Or that I must be the one to say the terms on which we should go forward. It is not a fair way of doing things. In the past if this has happened, then I push and resist until I totally wreck any chance of even a friendship with the person. My history is littered with the carnage of wrecked relationships where I have no contact with people who had been in my life largely because I became angry and could not manage the relationships better in order to at least maintain a friendship, wherever this was possible.
This time, I am choosing to do things differently. It is uncomfortable, but I do want to have P as my friend and I know she wants me to be her friend as well. She even said it would be good if we could go on vacations together as friends and stuff like that, which I think is very sweet and I would like that. She also wants to help me with a few other things and I want to do the same for her. I admit it is not comfortable adjusting and doing something a bit different, but I think this is a part of growth - stepping outside of my comfort zone.
As for my ex...well, I decided to call her to talk about a few things and acknowledge a few issues. She did not answer the phone or texts and I know she has receieved them. That is fine. I am closing the chapter for good now. I think my experience with P was supposed to happen, in a way, so that I could properly get some closure to my old relationship.
I am moving on properly and without denial now....and it feels good.
0 comments:
Post a Comment