A Happier Life

Home-Stretch!

2011-09-04T19:33:00.001+01:00

Woo-hoo!!!

About two weeks to go and I am headed home!

Can't be too excited, though, as I am in the middle of my dissertation....correction!!!....it's more like I am at the beginning of my dissertation, since I have only 2,000 of the required 12,000 words written, so far!! Ugghhh!!!! I just want it to be over, I tell ya!....Me wanna go home!

Not much to report...This is the first time I've come to my blog, I think, since I last posted anything. Goodness me! Just happy to be winding down, even though I am in the very odd position of wanting the days to roll on, yet, at the same time, to hold still so I can get my work done! (Damn you, Procrastination!!!)......

So, that's about it, I guess.....

Almost There!

2011-07-22T08:13:00.004+01:00

Two months to go and I'm getting excited...and nervous!

Excited because I will be finsihed my studies and will get to go home, but, also, increasingly anxious because of the work I have to complete before I leave. Plus, I will have to do all of my packing and the like, which I am never fond of doing.

Still, it's all progress. I feel so pleased about what I have done. Life is really good and I feel like a lucky gal. There is still more I want to do in life - so much more - and I am already preparing for the next "adventure". That's what life is, isn't it? An adventure....

Overall, I am feeling more and more centred and positive about myself and life in general; and that is a very satisfying feeling, too.

In terms of me ol' love life, well, I am not seeing anyone at the moment, but I have been chatting with one woman in particular, lately. She is very sweet, but we just come from two vastly different worlds and I could not see us getting serious on a romantic basis.

You know, I am really loving my sense of judgement about things in this respect, these days. There was a time when I would settle for someone who I was attracted to, but who didn't quite tick the boxes - all because I wanted "someone". That's just not me, anymore. Now, I want what I want and see no point in having anything (or anyone) less than that. Hey, I can still be friends with people...and even flirt a bit (okay, a lot!)....but I am far more selective and discerning when it comes to letting people in my life on a more intimate basis.

Yaaaayyy, me!

Wisdom really does come with age, eh?

4 Months To Go!!!

2011-05-21T20:27:00.003+01:00

I'm almost there!

By September I will be all done with my MBA! Wooohooo!!!

Okay....Perhaps I shouldn't get too excited. After all, I still have assignments to wade through and, of course my dissertation!!! Hmmmm.....that sure takes the fun out of it, eh? lol

All is going okay with me, though.

Have been chatting online with a few women. No one has caught my attention in the romantic sense, just yet, but it sure has been "interesting".

Oh, and speaking of interesting, I received an email from a guy I was involved with quite a while ago. I had met him when I used to travel to the Cayman Islands for business years ago. He was someone I liked a lot and we had a magical time when we had met, but he ended up being a bit of an idiot. I was friends with him off and on over the years, but over time kept my distance.

The thing is, he is the one guy I really did like being with. He is intelligent, established in his career, stable...just ticked a number of boxes for me. He is from the UK and we had lots in common on some levels. So, anyway, he wrote to tell me he was travelling to Invisible Island on business and wanted to take me to dinner. Tempted though I was to connect with him again, I just deleted the email. The guy is married now, so he has no business contacting me, because he only ends up talking rubbish to me about how I am his "ideal woman". (Then why didn't he just make the best of his opportunity when we were involved back in the day?!! And why is he poppiing up ever other year or so???)

Whatever.....I'm not on Invisible Island at the moment, anyway...and even if I was, I would have still deleted his email...

I've made a conscious decision not to go backwards in my life....just forward, darlings...Yaaayyy, me!!! ;)

So...that's that...

Doing it Differently

2011-04-21T12:13:00.003+01:00

Last weekend, I met the Portuguese woman I have been chatting with. I went to London and we stayed at a nice hotel overnight and went for a lovely dinner at a fav outstanding restaurant. It was very nice.

We ended up being VERY physical and that was okay as well, but I think it all triggered quite a few things with me. She (let's call her P) is nice and everything, but it brought back a ton of memories about my ex. P is quite different to my ex, to the extent that some of the things she says or does really did make me think of my ex and miss her or the way the relationship was, at least. The other thing is that I belately realised that the last time I was with my ex was last year at this very time in London, when I was visiting her. We had also stayed at the same hotel and went to the same restaurant that I went to P with. Not a good idea. It only served to make more of the memories of my past relationship flood through.

So, in the morning, after our last physical session, P could tell something was wrong because I became a bit quiet. I kept telling her it was nothing and that everything was fine, but while we were at breakfast, I ended up telling her what I was feeling.

Something that I think really bugged me, is that P said and did a few things that reminded me of how I was in my relationship with my ex. They were not bad things, but they were things that made me think of how my ex might have felt at times. I was not a bad partner and I did understand my ex's perspective on things (even if I did not fully agree with her perspective at times), but my experience last weekend had me actually "feeling" and not just understanding on an intellectual level. This proved to be very powerful and has become a turning point for me.

I opened up to P about it and became quite emotional about it when I told her I missed my ex and realised it is still affecting me, even though I have buried it and moved ahead. She was really good about it, but became a bit emotional as well. But we spent lots of time talking about it that morning and I kept going between feeling sad for hurting her, and then angry for her telling me that as a result we could not pursue anything beyond a friendship. (Me and my bloody ego!)

Since then it has been a huge struggle to adjust to relating as "just friends" and we have had a few disagreements because of my struggle with it. However, I really want to handle this differently. I have a habit of becoming upset when someone says something is over or that we can only be friends, even though a part of me does not even want to be with them. It is as if I still want the person to keep wanting me, even though I don't want them in that way. Or that I must be the one to say the terms on which we should go forward. It is not a fair way of doing things. In the past if this has happened, then I push and resist until I totally wreck any chance of even a friendship with the person. My history is littered with the carnage of wrecked relationships where I have no contact with people who had been in my life largely because I became angry and could not manage the relationships better in order to at least maintain a friendship, wherever this was possible.

This time, I am choosing to do things differently. It is uncomfortable, but I do want to have P as my friend and I know she wants me to be her friend as well. She even said it would be good if we could go on vacations together as friends and stuff like that, which I think is very sweet and I would like that. She also wants to help me with a few other things and I want to do the same for her. I admit it is not comfortable adjusting and doing something a bit different, but I think this is a part of growth - stepping outside of my comfort zone.

As for my ex...well, I decided to call her to talk about a few things and acknowledge a few issues. She did not answer the phone or texts and I know she has receieved them. That is fine. I am closing the chapter for good now. I think my experience with P was supposed to happen, in a way, so that I could properly get some closure to my old relationship.

I am moving on properly and without denial now....and it feels good.

Portuguese Chat Mate

2011-03-16T08:29:00.002Z

Last night I chatted on the phone for over three hours with a woman I met online a few weeks ago. I really enjoyed our conversation and she makes me laugh. She lives in London and is from Portugal and I was very drawn to her lively and energetic style of communicating. The other thing that seriously struck me this time is how much her accent reminds me of my friend B who died a few years ago, when I last lived in the UK. I ended up telling her about B because at first it really threw me off - distracted me - when we were talking and I found myself deathly quiet, initially. Since I did not want her to think my silence was a signal of boredom or anything, I just told her and was glad I did as a result of our ensuing conversation.

I don't see us having a romance, but I suppose one never knows. I am just focusing on a friendship as I try to get away from this all or nothing attitude which I don't think has been serving me well in life. My priority is definitely to make more friends because I do think friends are very important and I have come to realise that my choice to have very few friends in my life has not really worked for me, especially when I go through challenging times (but beyond this, as well). I have always kept a limited number of close friends, mostly, because it seems easier. If someone is my close friend then I want to really be there for them and I guess I have felt that I am not able to be as attentive and reliable if I stretch myself too thin, trying to give myself to too many people. I think my current close friends have really liked this. Or is this an excuse for something else? I don't really know. Whatever it is, now I feel I want to make more friends -friends I enjoy and who possess the qualities I most appreciate (and those who appreciate the same in me).

Anyway, yeah, my Portuguese chat mate was great fun to laugh and talk about life with and I think we both learned a great deal from each other's perspective on life, which is always a great thing. We have been texting each other this morning while she is on her way to work and, poor thing, she is a bit tired this morning. We still managed to exchange a laugh on text, so that is nice.

She has suggested I come to London so we can meet up and go out to the theatre or something, so I might do that at a later time, when there is space in between studies.

Perspective

2011-03-15T19:37:00.003Z

My laptop died over the weekend! Right when I have an assignment due this week!

After a 20 minute tantrum, I stopped myself and gained a better perspective. First off, my deadline is not until Friday, so things could have been worse, such as my laptop croaking the day before the deadline! Also, the next morning I popped to the store and bought a new one, so I consider myself lucky because some people would not be able to do that. And, finally...and even more importantly, there are more important things going on in the world than my silly laptop issues. Look at what has happened in Japan, for goodness sake. My heart really goes out to the people there. It is extremely sad and I am hoping they will find as many survivors as possible.

Really something what a change of perspective can do, I tell ya!

Other than that, I am just busy with studies and assignments, as usual.

Oh! I have also been chatting with 2 women I have met online. We have been mostly chatting online and one I even agreed to add on my Facebook page, which is something i never do, unless I have know the person well offline; but I decided to give it a chance, as she has asked me several times. She is from Spain and the other one is from Portugal (but lives in London). I am not looking at getting together with them on a romantic basis, but as friends only. Mind you, with my ego, I do like it if the person fancies me, but I am trying to be different about things. I feel I need to develop more friendships, rather than romantic relationships at the moment. I keep an open mind on the romance (of course) but my priority is to meet people I have things in common with and just to make more friends - especially with women who are gay and bi, but certainly, with people, in general.

Walk Home

2011-02-28T13:26:00.003Z

After my morning lecture, I did my usual thing and went to wait at the bus stop right outside the building, for my 2 minute ride home. Ever since getting here I have been catching the bus wherever I need to go. Once in a blue moon, I have taken a walk for exercise, but I can pretty much count on one hand how many times I've done that. As a result, I've noticed how disturbingly unfit I am - even more so than before.

Anyway, while at the bus stop, I was having this battle in my head about whether I should have a go at walking home or just catch the bus home, eat less, and do a few ab crunches and leg lifts. But, I knew damn well I wasn't going to do any of that. Yet, I still continued with the back and forth debate in my little head...until I couldn't take the noise and silliness of a few students who were messing about near me, and I just started putting one foot in front of the other and began walking home.

Now, the good thing about taking this walk is that it is all downhill - and there are tons of hills along the way, between the university and where I live. I figured it would be an easy stroll, but I can't recall ever being so tired on a downhill stroll in all my life. Then, I realised I had left my iPod at home, so I didn't even have that to motivate me along the way. I tell you, it was pure torture trying to make it home, let alone look cool about it at the same time.

But I made it. Tired as ever, but I made it.

Even though I am really bugged about how tired I was and how difficult I seemed to find it, I am seriously proud of myself. I also realised just now that I have not even had any breakfast or anything and it's almost 2pm, so that probably made it much worse, as well.

So, I now have to do it a bit more regualrly. (That's the challenge!) I do find that the heel of my right foot hurts quite a bit after walking for lengthy periods. It's a weird thing because I get the pain when I first attempt to walk when I get up in the morning, but by the time I walk back from the loo to my bed, then I am ok. However, after a walk like I have just done, I am sure to feel it for a while. Already when I raise my foot off the floor slighty, I feel the pain radiate from around my heel. I know it will fade as the rest of the day passes, but I will need to monitor it and, perhaps, adjust my walking, accordingly, until I drop a bit of weight and/or get better at my walking. (Maybe I will walk every other day, rather than everyday; or walk for shorter distances at first.)

Whatever the case, I am just really pleased with myself. I've felt a bit blue lately, so this was just the pick me up I needed. :)

Sweet Dreams

2011-02-25T12:10:00.004Z

I woke up this morning from a really sweet dream.

Okay! It was a tad awkward, too!

I was having a romance with Susanna Reid, the BBC morning news presenter. Goodness me, I do find her attractive, but I didn't think I fancied her in that way - certainly not enough to be cast in a leading role of one of my quirky dreams! But, there she was.

The important thing about the dream is not so much about Reid, but it was a crucial reminder of just what I want in my next relationship. Over the past week, although I realise I have been pretty hormonal, I have been thinking about my ex quite a bit. I have missed her and gone over scenarios in my head about our relationship and how it ended; and, of course, I have contemplated calling or writing to her. I'm glad I have not! I have even been spending time wondering if I will ever have a relationship like that again. With this dream, I realised

that in some ways I don't want to have a relationship like I did before.

Quite frankly, I want to really "desire" my next partner and feel excited by her (or him, even). It is not that I was not attracted to my ex, because she was attractive and feminine and all of that, but I just did not always have that " I wanna jump your bones" feeling with her. I could never totally understand it, but I always felt like there was something missing and it bugged me.

So, yes, this dream served a very important role in reminding me that I don't need to go backwards - to think of my ex and all the things I miss - but to go forward, for the things that I really want and did not get out of my relationship with her. I am glad for this realisation and I am looking for to the day when I meet the person who does that for me, which I know will happen.

In the meantime, thanks to Susanna Reid for the inspiration. I might have to watch ITV, instead, for my morning news for a few days, so I don't feel a bit weird, though. lol

P...M...S...!!!

2011-02-21T23:54:00.003Z

It's been an evening of strawberry shortcake Haagen Das ice-cream and a large pack of chocolate Minstrels...

Ya! I'm deffo hormonal!

By the way....they should never call it comfort food - especially when it leads to such DIScomfort!!! WTF!!!

Ah well....tomorrow is a new day!

Need a New Tune...

2011-02-21T11:22:00.003Z

What's the Kylie Minogue song again? Ah, yeah..."Can't Get You Outta my Head"...

What can I say? I've been feeling a tad wobbly, lately.

Generally, I feel like I am in some sort of emotional purgatory. Not feeling great, but not feeling terrible, either.

I'm a little bugged because I find myself still thinking about my ex more than I would like. I don't want to think of her at all, quite frankly; but EVERY single day I think of her. Usually, it is the first thingin the morning and often the last thing at night. Maybe it is because those are the most intimate moments -the moments I enjoyed the most about being in a relationship. You know that feeling when you just wake up and you have the person you love laying next to you and you pull each other close to cuddle and kiss as you whisper, "Good Morning"...and the same at night, before you fall asleep. Yep, that's my kind of stuff. I thrive on closeness and intimacy.

But, I guess it is more than this because much of what I think of when my ex comes to mind is how quickly she went back to her ex after we broke up. I do my best not to think of this or of her, in general, but the thoughts continue to come to mind. I wonder what it all says about me as person - my worth. I wonder if I was stupid. I wonder how we could not have worked things out if we loved each other so much. I wonder if she just preferred her ex over me the whole time. I wonder what it would be like if we stayed together; if we were together right now while I am here studying. I wonder if she ever thinks of me...if she will ever ring me. Once in a while, I foolishly wonder if she will ever show up at my door, during one of those unsuspecting days when I am busy doing laundry or studying or some other uneventful thing that has kept me from thinking of her and our time together.

Yes, yes....I know that is only the stuff that goes on in the movies, or something. I don't always think this way, thankfully, but these things do pop up every now and then and are stored in the back of my mind...reappearing when I am feeling a bit hormonal. Maybe that's what's going on with me today. After all, my tits do hurt.

The reality is that we will never ever get back together.

Intellectually, I do know that.

She is hooked on her ex and since they have a baby and I know how she is so attached to the baby, there is no way she will ever leave her girlfriend a second time. Knowing her, she probably feels guilty for leaving when her girlfriend was pregnant back when we met, so that makes it certain she will never leave, again, anyway.

I just think of all that time when I was trying to be ok about the two of them remaining friends while we were together. I am not a jealous person when it comes to that sort of thing, but I do believe in boundaries and had to assert my views in this respect with her on more than a few occasions. What I did appreciate about her was that each time she would address the concern I had, but it was still an issue at times - mostly whenever she would go back to the Czech Republic for a visit, especially because she stayed with her ex, given she did not always have a place to stay. I recall when she showed me pics of her playing with the baby and I really was okay with it at first. They were pics of her in her bikini in the bath and then in the buff (very European thing, I suppose). I still didn't mind, but then it occurred to me: Who was taking the pic? Her ex, of course. I still never freaked out about it, but I don't think such things are appropriate to be doing with your ex - even if you are sharing the pic with your current girlfriend. On another occasion, I remember how I sent her a video clip of Beyonce's song "Halo". I was trying to make more romantic gestures in the way that she liked since this was her kind of thing and she told me she wanted more of that of stuff. Lo and behold, the very time that I did it, she told me that her ex had sent the very same song at the very same time to her. (She told me she did not reply to her.)

So, it's shit like this that I think about sometimes. I really feel a bit stupid when I think of this stuff, particularly now that she is back with her ex. Also, if I am really honest about it, I guess part of me feels that if she had not gotten together with her ex (or anyone) so soon, then maybe we might have had a chance to mend our relationship.

The thing that is even more weird about all of this stuff is that there is another part of me that feels it is the right thing that we are not together, even barring the stuff I just described. There is a part of me that feels freer and that I can live my life in the way that I want; and I mean this in a way that goes beyond just being single. I felt a bit restricted at times in the relationship.

I think lots of people might have that feeling, but when there is also a lot of good stuff, they just keep at it, ignoring that nagging feeling that there is something that doesn't quite work. It is hard to walk away from a relationship where you feel loved and cared for and where there is not disrespect and drama. I guess people feel like things have to be really ugly before ending it; rather than walk away amid the good.

Whatever the case....I just wanna get her outta my head!

A Pressie for ME!

2011-02-04T17:41:00.002Z

I did it! I bought an iPad!

Love it! Love it! Love it!

I figured I needed to treat myself after the stress of assignments and it felt so good to do something for me.

Thankfully, I have a bit of a breather, at the moment, since I have no assignments due for a few weeks, barring a presentation in about a week and a half. Tons of reading to do until that time, though, but I feel so much better now that I am doing more of the subjects I am interested in.

Nothing much else going on, other than trying to sort out myself on the exercise and healthy eating thing. Really struggling with that, as usual, but I have to keep focused on it, even if I do mess up.

So, that's that....

Studies are TOUGH!!!

2011-01-29T12:24:00.005Z

I think I seriously underestimated how challenging doing my MBA would be! Actually, the courses are not hard. I tend to believe that we can learn anything; and if we ever have difficulties, then we can easily find the answer in a book. The answers are always there - it's just a matter of finding them. But my problem isn't that, really. It's managing my time better and keeping up with the pace. Plus, learning to deal with other things, like working in groups and stepping outside of my comfort zone. Lots of stuff. *sigh*

Unfortunately, I have not performed very well in my first term. I don't have the results as yet, but I am certain that I have failed not one, but two subjects. I am trying to put it behind me and to just think in terms of what I will need to do to improve things. Thankfully, this term I doing more of the subjects I am interested in and I think I have a bit more focus now, so this will help to bring my grades up.

I still have not met the sort of people I am interested in spending more time with...but....there is a lecturer I am very attracted to. She is very sweet and kind....and straight...*sigh*... She even lives near me and I've bumped into her as I've been waiting at the bus stop and she has walked by and chatted briefly. I'd like to invite her out for a coffee, but I'm not good at that sort of thing. Besides, I shouldn't engage in chasing rainbows. It's a pity, though, because I'd really like to know her better because she is lovely and I am getting the impression that we like some of the same things.

I've also been chatting in a gay women's chat room, periodically, and have had some interesting and pleasant conversations. There is one woman I've been talking with on the phone (we met in the chat room), but I decided a few days ago that I no longer want to chat with her. It's been a good learning experience, though. We've had interesting and deep conversations, ocassionally, but I have not liked how I have felt a number of times after we have spoken. We are very different, which is okay, but she has a coldness to her that I don't care for, even though I understand how it stems from her challenging background. I haven't been looking for a romantic connection with her, but I do feel that my interaction with her is supposed to teach me something important....and I am sort of getting it. Anyway, the point is that I really like how I seem to have grown. During our last conversation, she did something that I did not care for and I thought to myself that I will not allow anyone to behave in certain ways towards me. This might sound like an obvious thing, but I realised that in the past, when I have been lonely, I have put up with certain things just to have contact with someone; but not anymore. These days I feel people must earn my trust and that having my friendship (or more) is a privilege that is not to be abused; and if they can't treat me with the same kindness I extend to them, then no thanks! :) I don't know, I am surely not explaining things properly, but I just am happy that I am taking care of myself in this way.

That's all for now. I am in the middle of writing a paper that's due on Monday. Well, I am in the middle of trying to "start" the damn paper!... Bloody time management!

First Day of 2011

2011-01-01T09:36:00.004Z

Well, I seem to have gotten my first day of the year off to a great start!

I've just gotten back from a nice walk - even though it didn't feel that nice, given the leg pain I've been experiencing of late, but I think that the more I move about, the better my leg will feel...so, I ain't a-stoppin'! :)

I am now in the middle of catching up on a bit of news reading and then I am going to dig into my studies and work on assignments. I have only 10 days before the madness begins - exams, a new term, and assignment deadlines. While it would have been better if I had gotten more done in the past two weeks, the reality is I haven't and, quite frankly, 10 days in isolation, with nothing but my work to focus on, is plenty, IF I put my mind to it...and I WILL!!!!

Oh, and, yes, I've made a start on changing up my blog a bit. Not sure if I will stick with this template, but it is certainly a nice start. Hope you like what I've done with the place so far! :)

Happy, HAPPY New Year! xx

P.S. I shall have to drum up some visitors now, since I've lost my readers after leaving the blog dormant for so long!

Hold on to Your Hats!

2010-12-31T19:35:00.002Z

I'm actually blogging. My first in over two months, but my last one for the year!

Life has been EXTREMELY hectic with my studies. I never realised the pace would be so hectic. It is WAY more challenging than when I did my last degree, but that is as it should be, of course. I will sit 3 exams in a little over a week and I have 4 very heavy assignments to complete by various dates throughout January. Am I anywhere ready? Errrrmmm...Nope! But, as challenging as the studies are, I think my real battle is with myself: trying to improve time management and organisation skills and addressing my enduring procrastination.

Still, overall, I've been doing okay. I do get lonely here, though. Because of the intensity of my programme, I am in classes all day, from 9 to 5 or 6 and then home, and then, not long after, am fast asleep, if I haven't been up reading. My classmates are nice, but no one I am moved to be that close with. Other than them, there has been little opportunity to meet other people. I did think going to a much bigger university would put me in touch with many more people, but it hasn't quite worked out that way. In the next term, I will have a go at switching things up a bit and see how I can meet more people, where possible.

Today, I woke up feeling a bit blah. Once in a bit that happens, but it did bother me because the day before I was so bouncy and happy and getting on with things. So, today, I was thinking about my ex and stuff like that a bit, although, as I type, I don't think I was thinking of her that much. Instead, it seems that the situation might trigger the mood or a bummer mood might get me to thinking of the situation a little. What I am thankful for, though, is that I am not obssessing about it like I did about past situations - those that took place years ago and I went on and on about on this blog! I actually went through my blog a month or two ago and I was really bugged by the patterns I saw in my posts. (How did anyone put up with reading all of that stuff?! I could barely take reading it myself as it was so cringeworthy!!!) I did not fully relate to that person anymore. It was shocking, if I am to be totally honest. Of course, I get down moments, but I don't think I allow them to be as prolonged or that I have such low self esteem and attention seeking behaviour as I did then. I was really starved for connection back then and as I read through my posts and thought back on how I felt back then, I am quite surprised, albeit happy, that I even made it through such feelings about experiences and myself. Whew! That's an achievement, so am patty myself on the back - and bum! lol!

I'm also thinking of redesigning my blog. Well, it really depends on how committed I am going to be to blogging. It's just that now that I am in a bit of a different place in my life, I would like my blog to reflect this. I want something that looks brighter, happier, alive, and fresh. Also, I don't feel "invisible" anymore - at least not anywhere like I did when I started this blog. I'm not open to everyone about my sexuality, for example, but to those who are closest to me, I have shared with them this aspect of my life. I am also not apologetic about it, either, nor should I be. I recall when I first would come out to people, I felt like I had to take care of my feelings and theirs; but I am not responsible for how they feel about homesexuality or bisexuality - about my sexuality. I think this is something that more straight people need to understand: that it is taxing enough for someone who is gay or bi to come out to them, without trying to take on the responsibility of how they (the other party) feel about it. These days I don't do that. I share and let the person do with it what they will. There remain some members of my family that do not know, like my nephews and such, but perhaps in time I will tell them. It is not a huge priority for me just now. That said, and although I prefer to be the one disclosing details of my life, if they or others find out before I share, then the world won't end.

So, the point is, I am doing okay and looking ahead to an even more fab 2011. I think it will be truly fantastic and I am looking forward to embracing all the joy that I am sure is to come!

I wish the same for all of you, too! Happy New Year! :)

One Day at a Time

2010-10-22T10:48:00.002+01:00

So, my workload is pretty heavy with the postgrad studies being pretty intense, but I am plodding along and hoping to get better and better.

I have been getting to know my classmates a bit better. There are a few mature students and the group is pretty international which is great. There is this one woman who I am a bit curious about. No, I am not attracted to her...but I am curious. She is from South Africa and she is married and it occurred to me that she seems interested in getting to know me a bit. I've been so in my head that it has only just crossed my mind that she has made one or two attempts to actively reach out and engage me in conversation. Yesterday, when I said good morning to her from across the room, she came over and chatted with me and then as the class was about to start, I was surprised when she dashed back to her seat and eagerly grabbed her things from her usual seat and came across the way to sit next to me. I think even the people she usually sits with might have been a little surprised, but I thought it was nice. Admittedly, I have wondered about her sexuality a little. She said she is married, but I do wonder. Hey! I'm always intrigued when I come across sexually ambiguous people - especially women. Again, I am not attracted to her and, to be honest, I don't think I am ready to start anything with anyone right now, even though I would like that level of connection and companionship. I try to keep an open mind, but am being as sensible as I can about this as well.

Things have been a little challenging emotionally, at times, but I am managing to keep things in perspective as much as possible. I don't like admitting it, but I kind of miss C. Then, again, I ask myself if I really miss her or if I just miss the companionship. It is probably both. C used to take care of me in a very nurturing way. There were times when it was mildly smothering, but overall, I liked it very much. It is very easier to get into this mindset where I begin thinking I will never find this sort of nurturing or love again; but I have been working hard to remind myself that there are tons of people out there who will give me what C did and even better. I know there are people out there who want exactly what I have to offer in a relationship and who will have what I want, as well. It will just take time. My job is to go about my business, living my life, and working on myself and becoming the best person I possibly can - not for anyone else, but just for me. I also want to really focus on doing more with my life and achieving the things that I most want.

I do get quite lonely here, but I am also trying to be patient and understand it is a period of adjustment. I often think of my friend who died when I was here in the UK studying before. I think of the really great times we had and how much she taught me. I also think of how I met her when I first arrived in the UK and I wish I could meet someone now as lovely as she was...

May I will...maybe I won't....

Whatever happens, I'm taking everything one day at a time....

Moving On....and UP!.....

2010-10-15T08:32:00.002+01:00

I had a bit of a setback.

C and I spoke the other day and it ended badly. Well, our first conversation was a really good one. It was excellent, really. But I think I created a mild dilemma for C, having spoken so intimately while she is now in a relationship. Plus, I allowed myself to believe that there was some glimmer of hope for us. (I go between telling myself it's over and then looking for glimpses of hope, quite honestly.)

Rather than rehash and relive the experience, I'll just say that I really have drawn a line under this one and, even though it's uncomfortable, I am moving on. It's important for me to accept that there will continue to be up and down times, but that things will continue to become easier and easier. It is also critical to keep working on myself, not because I was the problem in my relationship, but because I am fortunate to recognise things about myself that have come to the surface during and after the relationship and, quite frankly, because this is what life is about. My relationship did not end because of me; it ended because of circumstances and differences between me and C. We saw things differently and we each had our negative and positive points.

So, I am looking ahead.

I am in a new place and it's time to meet new people; have new experiences; and to keep enjoying life. I do get a little lonely at times, but that is understandable. I was reading through my blog, looking back at posts during the time I moved to the UK before. I was experiencing some of the very similar lonely feelings. Although, I must say, WHAT THE HELL WAS WITH ME BACK THEN????? I couldn't help but cringe when I read some of those old posts! Holy shit! I was in a state back then! lol!

Anyway, I will try to blog a bit more now that I have a different schedule. When I was back on Invisible Island, I found it really difficult to do things for myself, let alone blog. I was taking care of my mom, working, and trying to give time to my long distance relationship, so I was often feeling really stretched. Right now, I am really enjoying the time to myself - being able to focus on JUST ME! It's really nice!

More importantly, I am being good to me!.... :)

Where Do I Begin?.....

2010-10-07T19:24:00.004+01:00

So, C and I broke up a few months ago and while I have handled it reasonably well, it still has been periodically challenging.

We basically broke up due to the distance, but I think there were some underlying issues that later came to the forefront. Things started back in late May or early June when I had told C that I had seen two really great jobs in the paper that I felt would be great for me to apply for. The jobs were based on Invisible Island and I had already been accepted to study for my Masters in Psychology in the UK. The idea was that I would move to the UK to study and C and I would live together and go on from there.

The thing is I had visited the uni when I was visiting with C in April/May, but I really didn't like the school and I did not like the area. On top of that, I was worried about taking more money out to fund my studies, while already paying for my last degree, but I also felt it was important to continue with my qualifications in order to improve my job prospects and to advance to the next level in achieving my goals. Something that bothered me constantly was whether C and I could live comfortably. I am not wealthy, but I do come from a vastly different background than C when it comes to lifestyle. She is by no means poor, but we definitely have divergent views when it comes to how we want to live. I also come from a very westernised culture (not unlike an American one) that is focused on achieving goals and material success and living comfortably. C seems to think we can live on "enough". I sometimes have felt she thought we could just live on our love for each other. While that sounds very sweet, it is not practical and I constantly felt that I was narrowing my goals and "dimming my light". I mean, I had goals before I met C and while I felt it reasonable and right to compromise on some things, I felt I was compromising on far too many others in my life in order to facilitate my relationship. It was not that she demanded this of me, but it was obviously necessary in order to be in a relationship. However, there are some limits...

When I came across these jobs, I was really amazed because they seemed perfect and I knew they would provide a huge salary. I figured I could stay for another year and work while saving money for us to make a good start. C was not totally thrilled about a further delay in us being together, but she was very supportive and said if it is something I wanted to do then I should go for it. She did not oppose the idea and it was left at that. A few days later when we spoke (and we had spoken a number of times before this - we spoke daily), she answered the phone very angrily and told me she was writing me a letter and she said she felt deceived. She said she felt I had planned this all along and had no intention of ever going to the UK to be with her. I was in total shock. It was so crazy! She was like a complete stranger. She kept saying I had just TOLD her that I was going to apply for these jobs without any consideration or discussion with her. This was also untrue! I have never behaved in such a way with C. It was so crazy! But she insists this is what happened and, of course, I reacted VERY strongly. I was so upset that she had characterised me as being insensitive and inconsiderate, when almost every waking hour I have spent trying to figure how to make things as happy and financially comfortable for BOTH of us in the relationship. I felt really hurt and then I told her I did not want her or the relationship anymore.

Over the a period of two or three days I ended up saying this to her on three occasions. The second time I think was it and then we talked again and I opened up to her (and apologised) and she went away to think about things and came back saying she wanted to be with me and she wanted there to be and us and how much she loved me. I was really happy about this, but she first told me this in writing before discussing it further....and I guess over the course of the night and with our subsequent conversation the next morning, I had a bad feeling about everything and felt really frustrated. The way she put it to me was like an ultimatum, telling me all this lovey dovey stuff about how much she loved me and everything, but then telling me if I was prepared to move to the UK at that time and leave my mom and everything on Invisible Island and get a job in the UK to pay off my loan and so we could live together than this would be the way to work through things. I just felt this showed she really didn't understand me or what I was trying to do. It just didn't feel right. When we spoke about it some more, I ended up telling her again that as much as I love her with all my heart I just could not be with her.

This sealed it.....

I did ring her a day or so later to talk with her and see if we could work through things, but she was done with me. I know I was wrong in how I handled things. What is worse is that she said everytime we had been together, I ended up saying at different times that I did not want the relationship. This is true. I do seem to have problems with running when I get frustrated and I cannot expect a people to put up with this sort of thing. I guess I just felt that C knew my heart and understood me and we did communicate so well and cut through all the crap when we had challenges. She always told me how much she loved the way we were able to communicate and resolve issues.

Whatever the case, I have tried reaching out to her and for a sec she did seem to waver a bit and said she would think on things, but she never did reach out to me and now it seems she has gone back to her ex, which hurts a lot. Also, the few occasions when I have spoken with her, she has spoken to me almost like a complete stranger.

Oh...and I did apply for those jobs, but ironically never got them. I had also declined the offer of a place to study for my Masters in Psychology and, instead, scrambled to get in an application for and MBA at another university. I got in and have recently moved to the UK. Now that I am here, I do have to admit, I am finding it extremely hard. That old lonely feeling is back and I am privately struggling. I guess it is hard to believe that I am here in the UK and C and I have broken up and are not in contact. I keep asking myself how is it possible that two people who seemed to love each other so much and get on so well - a couple who did not do drama in their relationship - could not cope with an issue the first time there was a big one. It is insane. On top of that I do sit and wonder if I was just a rebound when she and I got together after her last breakup, given that she and her ex had been together for over 10 years.

So, that about sums it up. I'm too tired to read this post over for corrections or to write anymore, but at least you get to know where things are with me....

:(

2010-06-16T02:48:00.002+01:00

C and I have broken up.

I guess this means there will be loads of blogging!!!

Thrilling...

2007-12-24T23:42:00.000Z

It's Christmas Eve....almost midnight....

...and what am I doing?

Running back and forth to the uni launderette, around the corner, doing my laundry...

What a romantic life I have, eh?

Well, I see it as freedom....freedom to do what I want when I want....

I'd just like someone extra special to share my freedom with.....

Turkey for 1

2007-12-24T20:04:00.000Z

I just sent a text to B to let her know I decided not to come to her house for Christmas. She called me seconds later wanting to know why, but after we chatted I think she understands.

Yesterday I rang her to see how she was doing and she asked me over. When I got there, we started to have conversation and were having a nice time, then the doorbell rang and it all started. First it was her partner's friend and his wife and another friend. Then the doorbell rang again and it was a friend of B's who came with his two kids (translation: noise and CHAOS!!!)...Then, the bell rings again and it was her partner's sister and her daughter.

I thought, "WTF?!!"..........

I swear, it was bloodly crazy in the house with kids running up and down and trying to make conversation with people who I really didn't feel like chatting with...Not to mention the fact that it was damn near impossible to have any conversation with B at this point, plus she was absolutely pissed because of the visitors. After the first crew left, it still didn't make much difference because B's friend was sat chatting with her mother in Hebrew, so that ruled me out of the fucking conversation and B was doing something with the kids in the kitchen.

I just couldn't be bothered and feigned graciousness, telling B I was heading home and had rang for a cab to collect me. She was crest fallen, but I just couldn't take it anymore. By the time I got home I was thoroughly pissed. This is how it usually is at her house. It's a bloody train station at rush hour and it's nothing to do with it being Christmas.

So, I gave it some thought and figured this is how Christmas day is going to be and it's not how I want to spend my day - screaming kids and a bunch of people I don't know who I have to be sociable and bubbly with, when all I really want to do is spend time with B. That's not going to happen and it isn't realistic, so I just can't be bothered.

I told her that after last night, I just can't do Christmas at her house. I told her that I do want to see her and I do want to be there because she asked me to and to do whatever makes her happy, but this time I'd rather be at home on my own. When I thought of it, actually, all I've been doing is whatever I think it is that will make her happy, but I feel it's a little at my expense a good deal of the time.

Don't roll your eyes (oh, fuck it! do whatever you like!) but I am going to ease away from her. The fact of the matter is I have feelings for the damn woman; she doesn't have them for me; she is dying; and there is no room in her life for me, regardless of her situation. I can't keep chasing rainbows. For goodness sake, part of the reason I rescheduled my travel plans was so we could spend time and so that I could be available if she needed me for anything. Instead, she asked her mother to stay on until after the holidays, which is good because her mother can be there 24-7 and does a better job than I ever could, and, well, she is her mother and B needs her mom. But even with her mother here we haven't spent time. I know I sound unreasonable and selfish, but I probably wouldn't feel so bad if B wasn't with all of her other friends all the time. I've been off for 2 weeks and, other than yesterday, I've seen her once. Meanwhile, she has the energy for everyone else, so I might as well accept it and move on.

So, that's what I am doing.

I am tired of putting myself in these ridiculous situations where I don't get what I want with the people I care about, while giving them what they want. I don't want the shitty end of the stick anymore. Enough is enough.

I do feel VERY lonely at the moment, though...and I THOROUGHLY hate the fucking holidays!

Ho-ho-fucking ho!!!

Ghost...of Christmas Past........

2007-12-22T12:24:00.000Z

I was lying in bed this morning, half awake, with the BBC morning news on and heard a familiar voice...

It was Karen (aka "the lunatic")..................

She was on for only a few seconds talking about the Christmas crowds and shopping going on in London's High Street stores...

I wasn't sure how I felt about seeing her like that...Funny thing is that when I first came to the UK I was so terrified of seeing her on television or something like that, thinking it would be too much. She's not a regular on the programme or anything like that - just a freelancer - so I was spared the indignity.

Admittedly, I don't feel it is an "indignity", actually. I don't feel shattered. I'm not even a little upset. It has triggered a few memories I had tucked away, but I am tempering that with a dose of reality and telling myself, "It is what it is. You have your life. Live it."

At the very least, I am proud of myself and thankful for the progress I've made, considering my reaction and feelings right at this moment....and that's quite an important thing, I think....

Maybe I'm okay, afterall....

Merry Christmas to me.....

In the Mood for Mischief

2007-12-18T23:06:00.000Z

You know what they say about idle hands or minds, eh? The devil's workshop....

*sigh*

I'm beginning to think I should have gone home when I originally planned as things are dead quiet here and things are pretty dull. I'd like to be spending time with B, but I don't see that happening. She has asked me to come to her house on Christmas Day and although I was reluctant because I didn't feel like dealing with lots of people and doing the Christmas thing, I am doing it because she asked and said it would mean a lot to her and because I can be with her - even amongst all the hustle and bustle of all her guests....

I really feel like some company...some romantic companionship. There is no one here I really fancy (other than B) at the moment, although there is this lecturer I have who seems to pique my interest a little. She's VERY bohemian and not your typical lecturer. Maybe not someone who attracts me, instantly, in the looks department, but there is this thing about her that makes me curious about her. I saw her yesterday when walking to the library. She was in her car, cigarette in her mouth. Then she stopped, rolled down her window and asked when I was going home. When I told her I was planning to be her until Boxing Day she looked surprised and said we should get together for coffee or something. Quite honestly, I might be up for bedding her if that was in the cards. She's clever, which I always find attractive and she is different and seems to dress and live in a way that suggests she doesn't care what the fuck anyone thinks. I find that attitude appealing, as well. On the other hand, she can be a bit TOO off the beaten track and she seems to self-disclose more than I care for and she's super fucking disorganised and scattered. I also gather she has a bit of drama in her life as well. Whatever the case, it would be a fun distraction if it at all proved a possibility. If nothing else, I think I might enjoy chatting with her and getting to know her better.....

What can I say, I like a little drama and taboo, myself.....sometimes getting invovled with someone who I have to keep a secret presents a little thrill for me every now and again. I just don't know how to make it happen without seeming pushy because she is bound to forget about her suggestion re the coffee thing, given how bloody scatter brained she can be...I do have her number so maybe I can text her or something. Also I am friends with her secretary, so maybe I can find someway to mention the coffee thing and she will no doubt bring it up to her....Shit! I've only got about a week to make it happen and not even that!

I've also found myself browsing the personals and, boy, oh boy! I have only one word: "woof"!....Surely there are attractive, classy, feminine women who have a lot going for themselves and are around my age who exist....Aren't there???!!!! Maybe I need to find a better site or something. I had sworn off ever using the personals, but let's face it, how else am I going to make contact with any women who interest me? Besides, like I said before, I am bored and need a little company...maybe more....At this rate I think I am going to focus exclusively on men, for goodness sake!.....

Tomorrow I will get up with a more positive attitude and have another look, maybe. I've really not been feeling too good for the past two days. I guess that has me crankier than usual...lol

Text from B

2007-12-17T14:37:00.000Z

While writing that last post, I got a text from B. She said that I "have entered into her mom's heart and that her mom loves me" and that she does, too.

Isn't that sweet?

She also said she is feeling better today and one of her friends is taking her out to do her shopping, so I am really happy about that.

I love her lots!

Just Vegging......(is that how you spell it?)

2007-12-16T22:01:00.001Z

Well, I've been basking in the glow of my complete laziness since exams have ended and my vacation has started. I am so shocked at myself. I've even been crawling out of bed at midday. Today it was almost 1pm. It's been ages since I've done that. I would be even more thrilled about it there was more interesting shit to space out to on the telly, but no such luck - especially during the weekends....not to mention all the Christmas crap that is crammed on the telly!

Whatever the case, I am enjoying the quiet. And is it ever quiet! Everything went from craxy intense and busy around campus to a complete ghost town. It's almost frightening.

This after I went to B's house and enjoyed my time there. She told me she was really happy that I came and she wanted me to stay for dinner, but I told her it was okay and wanted her to just rest. She was so weak and was falling asleep anytime she was sat still. There were a few people who had passed by and I enjoyed meeting them. Her mother is staying with her and I just love her to pieces. I really do. The only thing is we don't speak the same language so it is a little challenging, but we make do. I am worried about B, but am trying not to obssess over it. She just seems to be getting worse and it is very upsetting. Anyway, she said she actually asked her mom to stay with her until after Christmas, which surprised me since she's been saying she feels her mother needs to go back home as she is worried about her father being lonely since he has just started chemo as well. However, she said she realises she just can't manage right now and so she needs her mom. I think she made the best decision for now. I've told her that I would return early from my trip home to Invisible Island, although she insists I don't do this. She did say that she was thinking of trying to get to New York so that she could take her mom there as a thank-you for everything she has been doing. Neither of them has ever been there and I thought it was a lovely idea, provided B is strong enough to fly. If she does manage it, I've told her I would go as well, if she wants and she said she would really like that, so we will see. I have a ton of frequent flyer miles, so it would be no problem for me. I'd probably just fly from Invisible Island, while I'm there on my break. Like I said, we will have to see. I think a long haul flight like that is a bit much for B - especially given how she was today - but she is so strong and I know if she becomes determined to go, she would make it happen no matter how she feels or whatever anyone says.

Not much else happening. It's just FREEZING over here! No, it's not freezing......It's FUCKING FREEZING!!!!!....My damn nipples are damn near frozen and gonna pop off at any moment, creating some sort of casualty by hitting someone in the eye (my luck it will probably only be ME!!!)......lol.......

Sorry! Sorry! :)

2007-12-11T18:47:00.000Z

Well, I am sitting here studying for my last exam that is set for tomorrow...okay, I am blogging, but I saw a message from Celtgirl pop up telling me I needed to give an update, so here I am... :)

All exams have been fine except yesterday's one. I have definitely failed that one. I was in total shock that I could possibly have failed an exam, but it is what it is and I just have to accept it, deal with it, and move on. It will mean re-sitting it next year in June when the next series of exams comes around (we have them every 6 months), but after a good long sulk while sitting at my desk when I got home yesterday, I decided that there is no point in dwelling on it any further. I know what I did wrong: I did not adequately prepare and I was overconfident, thinking I could study this subject in the least amount of time and take a gamble on figuring which questions would be on the paper and get away with it like I did with the others. However, the subject was much different to the others and a bit more scientific, so it required remembering a vast number of terms that my brain just could not register at so late in the game. So, that's the price I pay for procrastination. A rather costly lesson, but those are the ones we seem to listen to. Anyway, failure is just another path to success and I will make sure I am expert in the subject after this experience. They will wonder how it is that I could have possibly failed the first time around, when they mark my re-sit paper next year!

I will be so relieved when this is all over, though....Exam time is seriously demanding under this system. Essay answers in a short time, mixed with applied knowledge is quite mentally draining, but in the end you come out knowing your stuff, so I have to just focus on that, I guess.

Last night, I popped into the library to say hello to B. I was glad I did...and she was extremely pleased as well. I've not quite seen her like this, though. It's been two weeks since I've seen her and she was very tearful off and on and in serious pain. She's such a fighter. You know, I just kept looking at her and thinking I really do love her. She is unbelieveably special. Yes, I do still want to run away from the situation. Yes, I am very torn and frightened about it all, but I don't think I am capable of closing myself off from her. I told her I would come and see her tonight when she is working and she insisted that I don't. She says she has tried to stay away so I can concentrate on my studies and not be distracted. But I told her I am still coming to see her. I was very worried after seeing her last night.

I asked her if she is still planning to fly to Israel to see her family after Christmas, but she said she can't go because she is getting worse and if she gets ill she won't get the care there. She was planning to go to Israel for a week just to say goodbye to her family and friends there. (The thought breaks my heart.) On top of all of this, her father begins chemo today as he was recently diagnosed with cancer as well. He was here a few weeks ago and I got to meet him. He's a nice man and I hope he will be okay. I feel terrible for her mother, as well. She is here with B and wants to stay to help her, but B was in tears last night and said she really needs her mom, but feels she has to leave because she feels her mom should be with her dad. Her mother is the sweetest and most gentle lady you could ever meet, I swear. She is so calm and patient about everything, but I feel for her because I know it must be terrible to have her daughter and husband to be going through this and with B living here, it is as though she has to choose. I know B's father probably wants her mom to stay with her, no matter how lonely he might be without her by his side. They are all such strong people and the one thing you see in all of this, beyond their strength, is the deep and special love they all have for each other. It's beautiful.

Anyway, I am going to see B tonight. I still have a bit more to study and my exam is tomorrow afternoon, so that is good. I hate having them in the morning. The other night I stayed up all night with my study partner, but it was fun. It just messes up your body clock and can throw you off. Besides, for this exam, the lecturer has pretty much told us what the questions will be, so I just have to make sure I have gone over the material properly. I should be fine, though.

So, that's it for now.....I will be pleased after tomorrow...and I will see what I can do to help B with anything I can, if she needs that....I won't be travelling for the next 2 weeks, so I will have lots of time....

Halfway Mark in Sight...

2007-12-05T19:38:00.000Z

Just finished my second exam.

I'm a bit wiped out and my head hurts a bit, so am going to take a nap and then get productive again. I think I did okay. I'm not sure if I got a First, but am hopeful.

4 more to go!

Freudie....

2007-12-05T01:17:00.000Z

Freud...Freud....dear, dear Freud...

I'm reading about Freud's theories of psychoanalysis and psychosexual development in particular. How fitting!

I shall have lots to talk about in my next post. Hmmmmmm...perhaps I shall have a bit of fun and do some self-analysis using Freudian theories. It's sure to be equally fun and disturbing. lol

Hmmmm....Penis Envy or Vagina Envy?

Tomayto...Tomuhto....(it's tomato, silly)

;)

P.S.

2007-12-03T23:21:00.000Z

I think I have a "thing" for my lecturer...

Yeah, I know....Any port in a storm.....*sigh*

More on this one later......

1 Down!

2007-12-03T22:32:00.000Z

....and 5 more to go!

Whew!....I did my exam this afternoon and, boy, was I lucky! All 4 of the topics I studied were on the exam. Can you believe it?! I should go to Vegas! My gamble really paid off....errrmmm....although, I did run out of time and made one or two boobs on the exam. One of the questions asked that discuss and evaluate something. Somehow, in my haste and combined disbelief and excitement at seeing the questions I studied, I did not see the word evaluate and so I went about my merry way writing until I had the worst cramp in my hand and then...uh-oh...I realised I had not evaluated each of the points I made....soooooooo, i had to rush back and insert my evaluations with fingers crossed I did it okay.

All I know is I could not have failed the paper. I might not have gotten a First, but I think I did pretty well and I had good marks going into the exam, although not ideal. Given it's my toughest subject, it has bolstered my confidence and I know that tomorrow will be a superb study day for me, in preparation for my next exam on Wednesday....

Oh....I heard from B this morning. I told her I would visit her after my exam today (I know! I know, already! Shhhhhh....), but she said she was being discharged from the hospital at 4pm. She did say I could come and see her at her house, though, but I told her to just spend time with her family and I would catch up with her at some other time. I'm glad she is at home and doing okay. Her son is fine, as well. She said it turned out he was just missing her, so it I'm glad he wasn't really ill.

Yeah, yeah....I'm a weakling....I know......

I'll get there...

Alrighty, then...

2007-12-02T10:28:00.001Z

After spending about an hour going over it in my mind, I decided to I'd go and see B at the hospital today. I sent her a text asking what's the earliest time she is up to having visitors and she has texted me back saying her son is not well and she has just asked to see the doctor so she can go home to him. She said once she gets an answer from the doctor then she will get back to me.

I hope he is okay, although I am sure it is probably the usual thing with kids - probably a cold or tummy upset. He's a sweet little boy. He's only 3 years old, but looks like he is five. It's amazing. He's absolutely cute. It's a tough time for him, as well, as you might imagine. Even though he is only three years old, it is clear he has a sense of what is going on with his mother. I know she and her partner have explained some things to him in an age appropriate way, but still, I know B tries not to have him bombarded with information and tries to protect him a bit in order to prevent or reduce anxiety for him. Unfortunately, I think that he hears things from other kids - probably kids at the nursery and the kids of B's friends. He sees his mom has no hair and that she is often sick; and he also can see her mood swings. B was tearful one day telling me that he was in the corner hiding from her (almost palyfully, but not quite) and told his dad he was hiding from her because she is a monster. Then we were in the car the other day and he was saying something to her (she only speaks to him in Hebrew, but he speaks English with his dad and everyone else) and I noticed tears coming down her face as she was driving. When I asked her what was the matter she said he is asking the same questions again: "Mommy, are you going to leave me? Please don't leave me." He's been asking her this a a lot, lately. Can you imagine? It's a terrible and difficult situation. All the same, it's wonderful to see how much he loves his mom. One day she said she felt so bad for shouting at him and she said that when she apologised to him, he just hugged her and said, "It's ok, Mommy. You can shout at me. You are allowed to do that and I deserved it." He's the sweetest...and B is an excellent mother. I'm not sure if I mentioned this, but she had tried to conceive for over 6 years without success and just when she had pretty much given up trying she got pregnant. On another tearful evening, she told me that she regrets not doing lots of things in her life, but the one thing that matters and which she feels she did right was to have him...her son. I understand what she meant, but I do think there are so many other things she has achieved and that she has touched many lives. Not only is she a great mother, but she is a great daughter, sister, and beautiful friend. She's a wonderful person and I do feel lucky to have met her and to have had her friendship.

It's just all gone a bit nuts, hasn't it?...Maybe I've just gone a bit nuts....(Hey! Don't you dare say a word!! lol)

Anyway, I'm not going to go to the hospital, regardless, because I really do need to study and I think even if I do hear back from B, there will be something else that has come up and I know me. I'm going to be like a pebble in the wind, rolling in whatever direction that the wind of change in her life brings, while neglecting the things I need to focus on. It's what I do and I must stop it. I have to exercise better self control and no matter how much I want to see her and make sure she is okay - no matter how much I feel for her - I have to think about me. (Yeah, I know I'm always thinking of me, but I mean thinking of me in a responsible, healthy way, damn it!)......Besides, there's no room for me in her life and she has the people she wants and needs to be there for her...and she does not and will not ever have feelings for me....I have to keep reminding myself of these things...I need to keep it all in perspective....

Can you tell I'm struggling?.....(Errrrrrmmmm....yup!)

Time to study!

Another Text

2007-12-02T02:56:00.000Z

I just woke up to go to the loo and decided to switch my phone on and check for messages when I got back to my room. There is a text from B. Looks like she sent it around half past midnight. She said she had a nice time when she popped home with her family and that she will be at the hospital tomorrow if I am not busy.

What do I do?

I want to go and see her. I want to write her back and shit, too...but I also feel I need to put her out of my mind and delete the text. I didn't get much studying done yesterday. I felt too distracted and still couldn't concentrate, but a few hours before heading to bed, I did begin to get a rythyme going. I think I've figured out what questions are going to come up on the exam tomorrow based on my lecturers revision handout. They sometimes point you in the right direction since there are so many topics to cover, but you must be careful because every now and then you get a lecturer who for some insane reason tries to "trick" students into thinking certain things will be on the exam and then they aren't. Why do they do such a stupid thing? It's a colossal waste of time and very unkind, I think. Anyway, I will have 9 questions and have to selct 3 and will ahve two hours to complete the essays. There are 4 topics I've chosen to concentrate on and I feel pretty confident there will be a question on each of them. If I have time I will add a fifth one. I will get through it quite well if I settle down and get into it today. The exam is Monday afternoon so I will have a few hours that morning to revise as well, so that is a bonus. If I pull this off it will be great because it is one of my more challenging subjects. Plus it will get me off on a good start since it will have me feeling extra confident if I walk out of the exam feeling I did well. That's a psychological advantage I shall need for the rest of the week and remainder of exams.

Well, I guess I am saying all of this to say that I am trying to finally focus on my work and what I need to do and so I must put B out of my mind. Besides, I know if I go to the hospital something else is bound to come up and I will feel like I have wasted my time again. I was thinking of something a little while ago. I had asked her if she wanted me to bring her anything and she never answered me. I told her I missed her and she ignored that. There's other stuff, too. Maybe she is confused by things, as well. No, I'm not suggesting she has feelings for me, but maybe I have made it uncomfortable for her by telling her how I feel. It's weird because since coming here, I think that if I've ever had things on my mind then she has been the person I've talked to and now I feel I have no outlet for my feelings....other than this blog, now....(Aren't you lucky, reader?)

I definitely feel like a yo-yo when it comes to her.

I don't want to ignore her text. I don't want to be a drama queen and say something like I feel it best to not be in touch or something equally dramatic. But I don't want to reply and allow myself to be all weak and get absorbed in it all (any more than I already ridiculously am!).....I think a part of me wants to signal to her that I am not pleased and want to talk or something. I don't know. Well, actually, I do know. Talking about this shit again is not going to resolve anything. I know she would talk about it with me, but I don't feel like dealing with the rejection.

I need to walk away and move on. I really have to.

How??????

I think I had better sleep on it and maybe things will be clear after a proper sleep.

What's New Pussycat?

2007-07-10T14:15:00.000+01:00

Well...lots of things, I suppose...

Remember when I said I was planning to "come out" to a friend of mine? Well, I haven't yet and have had to let plan take a back seat, in light of more pressing issues. As it happens, my friend has not been feeling well. When I met her she had just gotten past breast cancer and seemed to be in the clear. Recently she had been not feeling well and has now found that the cancer has spread to her lungs and liver. I've been beside myself about the whole thing. She is so special to me and is the best friend I have here. She has a 3 year old boy and a terrific partner who is also a great father. Still, I am incredibly proud of her because she is so strong and tough-minded. It amazes me. I just want to be the best friend I can possibly be to her...in the meantime I am wishing for a miracle.

Then, there was the request from the blogger who I mentioned, asking me to add her to my MSN messenger. We've not spoken in a few months since the fall out. However, now all is ok and we are back to talking and getting re-acquainted. I'm not sure what it is with us. We have this more than friends, less than lovers thing going on and it gets very intense. I do care for her, but feel I must be careful with my heart. I'm proud of myself in that respect. Usually, I just go for it and put the other person first. Now I don't do that. I seek more balance, while focusing on what I must do to take care of myself and not lose myself foolishly in a romance whether it is bound to be fleeting or not. I'm just glad we are talking for now and have no illusions about things.

On the weightloss, I am finding myself getting a bit lazy over the past week and a half or so. My eating hasn't been horrible, although there is definite room for improvement. I've not eaten a chocolate bar or junk food in over 2 months, I think. Nor have I had any fizzy drinks. It's just been water and in recent days I've had a bit of orange jucice for breakfast, but I go easy with that. I just have to be consistent with my exercise. I did well for the first month (June) and lost a total of 17.5 lbs which pleases me, but I can do much better than this. I'm going to sit and reassess my goals and get it together on that front. My next goal post is another 20 lbs. When I get another 20 lbs off it will begin to look a bit more noticeable and I want that as it will be a great source of additional motivation. I've figured that rather than think of ALL of the weight I have to lose, I will focus on it in smaller chunks, in order to minimise discouragement. I must say I definitely do notice the difference in my clothes and my face looks smaller. All good!...Yaaaaayyyy, me! I just have to keep going!

School will begin in another week. I am looking forward to getting my grades this week and seeing how I did on my June exams. I feel especially good about 2 out of 3 of the subjects I was examined on, but want to see the results!

Other than that, I am waiting to hear about whether my student loan application has been successful. I should know by the end of the month. I'm an less stressed about it than I previously anticipated, which is good. I think because I received indication from the bank back on Invisible Island that if I need to take out more money with them, then there should be no problem AND they would likely work it out where I'd pay even less in repayment each month than I am currently doing. I just hate the thought of paying so much interest with this route, but at least it's a workable plan B, eh? Can't complain if it gets me what I want, which is finishing this degree!

And lastly...........Venus won Wimbledon!!!!!!!....I was elated!!!!....I've watched Wimbledon everday, ALL day for 2 weeks, straight and now I hardly know what to do with myself, now that it is over! Thank goodness school starts next week!

Yawn

2007-07-03T22:33:00.000+01:00

I was about write something to update on my happenings, but I'm shit tired at the mo, so am off to bed. Will catch up tomorrow.

Uh-oh...............

2007-06-26T17:21:00.000+01:00

I just signed onto my MSN Messenger.

Guess what?

There is request from one of the women I mentioned in my email - the young one - to add her to my list. (I gather we both deleted and blocked each other from our messenger lists, hence her request.)

How could this be?

I just mentioned her and now this. I'm not sure what to do. I'd like to talk with her and see how she is doing; but I don't want to get into something where she behaves the way she did with me before. I don't want to be played with anymore - not by anyone.

It's about balancing my need for closeness and intimacy with my need to avoid getting involved with situations and/or people that are not healthy for me.

I'm not so sure I know how to do that just yet. (???????)

Hmmmm...

2007-06-26T13:54:00.001+01:00

I'm suddenly feeling "blah"....

Sort of from out of no where, actually. It just walked up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder and has sat with me ever since.

Maybe it was triggered by the bit I shared on my birthday, in my previous post. I'm not sure, but I began feeling this way right after that.

Perhaps there are other things as well........................

I sent a text to the friend I've been planning to come out to, but she hasn't replied. Maybe she is busy, but it bothers me that she hasn't replied. I tend to get anxious when I text, write, or call someone and they have not replied to me. I see it as a form of rejection. I might have always seen it this way, but I've become exceptionally uncomfortable with it since the whole Karen (lunatic) saga. It was part of Karen's cruel way of treating me and people in general, when she just couldn't be bothered. I know this is probably wrong, but I do interpret a non-reply as someone wanting to ignore me. (Strangely, I even became anxious when I was dealing in business on my old job and someone did not get back to me or took long to do so.) I don't show it to people. I tend to appear very cool about it, but on the inside I am very unsettled.

This friend (let's call her E) invites me to visit her home quite a lot, but I've only gone once. She often tells me to call her and stuff, as well. That's normal. It's what people do. However, I get uncomfortable about being in the position of calling and then the person saying they are busy or something. In my mind, I just think they are saying these things to blow me off. A couple of weeks ago, E told me to ring or text her at the weekend if I wasn't too busy so that I could come over. I did text her, but she never replied and so I left it. When I saw her days later, she mentioned that she got my text, but some story (again, that's how I perceive it) about her son messing with her phone and then it seemed she kind of trailed off (or maybe I just switched off from whatever she was saying). I just smiled and said it was no problem, but I did not bother texting her again, yet she has invited me repeatedly and texted me and stuff. I was upset about it, but I never let on to her about it. I mean, she could have at least acknowledged my text.

Anyway, today....no reply...and it bugs me....Knowing me, my reaction will be to not text her again, unless she sends texts to me or otherwise makes contact.

We've talked about so many things, so maybe I should let her know how I feel and why. I don't know. These days I've reached the conclusion that it is not worth explaining some things to people anymore.

Whatever the case, it is bothering me right now.......

There is something else.....

You may or may not have heard that there is a great deal of flooding throughout Britain right now. It's mostly the areas in the north of the country that are being affected severely. There are two people I know of who I am no longer in touch with, who live in the areas where the news reports indicate the flooding has been particularly extreme. I've wondered how they are doing and if they are safe. I feel like calling or writing to them to check. Why do I want to do that? It's not like they would do the same for me.

I had slight romantic involvements with the both of these women. One was a blogger who I got close with. We spoke a lot on the phone, but I had never gone to meet her, although, it was in the works before we stopped talking. There was never going to be a relationship with us, but we seemed to be in this "in-between" status - more than friends, less than full-time lovers. She is MUCH younger than I am and she has a disability which, although I am extremely proud of her for how she manages with it and her incredible independence, it would have been an issue for me in terms of a full on relationship, I think. She was (is) still a special person and I liked some aspects of our friendship and closeness. I thought of her on her birthday last month and considered sending her birthday wishes. Then, I have thought about her graduation from university which will be happening next month and how I had planned to wish her well on it back when we were speaking. But, I can't do that.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point, but I have finally arrived at the stage where, if someone has left my life, I just can't reach out to them. I can't do that with people anymore - especially on romantic levels. I just am not doing it. I've spent so long trying to patch things up and trying to get people who have left to come back, that I can't do it anymore. If they want to reach out to me, then, depending on the situation, I would talk with them and consider if it is good for me or not. Otherwise, if they are gone, then they are gone.

I won't get into the situation re the other person. It was just a woman I met online and had fun with for a fleeting moment and I wondered if she was okay. I can only leave it at a brief wonder. She left and I can't try to make contact - not for someone who leaves.

Besides, none of these people would care if something happened to me. If I look back on it, how people that I know have tried to reach me when there have been hurricanes or whatever on Invisible Island, over the years? So, there. My days of doing that stuff...looking people up...checking on them....whatever it is....they are done.

When it's over....it's over.....I'm proud of myself for coming to that realisation...regardless of how long it has taken me!

Other Bits & Bobs

2007-06-26T10:14:00.000+01:00

Well, I didn't come out to the new friend I mentioned. We ended up not going shopping and the conversations we've had since never seemed to provide a good opportunity for me to broach the subject. We've not been in touch for a few days, but I might text her in the next day or so and will see how things go during subsequent conversations. Hopefully, I will have a chance AND have the courage to take advantage of the opportunity to discuss it.

This week, it's my birthday. I don't have anything planned, although, strangely, I've half pleased about the prospect of having my birthday. I am thankful to have lived another year and to have the chance to see another birthday. Many people don't have that privilege, so I am thankful. I also get to spend it here in my own little space without any pressures. I guess I feel that if I am going to feel alone on my birthday, then I'd rather be somewhere on my own, where I don't have people from Invisible Island around me witnessing it - the fact that I am alone. It's hard to explain, maybe you understand what I mean. I don't know. What I haven't liked about my birthday (or Christmas) is that it often turns out to be the time when I feel least thought about and cared for by anyone. "Friends" either don't remember my birthday or don't go out of their way to really acknowledge it, and that has bothered me - especially when I've always gone out of my way to show them how special they were to me. So, whenever my birthday has been approaching, I've looked at it with dread and have been incredibly anxious as it became a day for me to sit and see how many people don't remember or whatever.

I'm trying not to think of it in this way this time. I'm just trying to focus on the things I am thankful about and on making my day extra special on my own. Everything else is gravy. I haven't thought about how I am going to spend it, but will see.

And guess what????? This week is the start of Wimbledon!!!! Yippeeeeeee!!!! Matches began yesterday and the BBC coverage is great. It's really good to see the full matches from the start of the tournament. Of course, I am hoping Serena does well and wins! But beyond Serena I am looking forward to seeing Federer, Nadal, Roddick, and Mauresmo play. I don't know if Venus is playing this year. I hope she is as I'd look forward to watching her matches and be overjoyed if she won, too!

Here's to a great week! ;)

Lighter!

2007-06-26T08:52:00.000+01:00

I weighed myself yesterday and I'm down another 3 and a half pounds! That's 17.5 lbs since May 29th, when I promised myself I would lose 20 lbs by the end of June. I'm pretty much there!

Uni starts again in 3 weeks and I want to see if I can lose at least a stone (14 lbs) by then. I will have to step it up a bit and remain focused. The thing I have to become more careful of is my eating. Portion sizes, salt intake, and starches are the things I need to work on. I also have to be careful of things like skipping breakfast and not eating or eating enough because that slows the metabolism and makes things harder.

On the exercise front, I must get going with working on my abdominal muscles and trying to shave inches off my waist. I was supposed to get on with this when I started, but haven't done it. To be honest, I feel self-conscious when doing ab exercised in the gym and at home...well, it's a little uncomfortable getting down on the hard floor. As I type this, I realise how silly it sounds, so today I am going to address it and get the ab work started. It is very necessary that I do this, so I'm going to give myself that push I need to get on with it.

I am noticing a difference in my clothes - particularly in my trousers. I think the walking and leg work has the inches dropping off my legs, thighs, hips, and bum and these areas are the most noticeable. I've tried on a pair of jeans that I've never been able to get into, but which I brought back with me in January in the hopes it would motivate me to work on my weight. I couldn't quite get the trousers up over my bum before and now I can. In fact, I was able to pull them right up and could just about button them, but didn't want to force it. That's really great!

Actually, if I go by my weight when I arrived in the UK, then, I've lost 24.5 lbs, so I've done well. Now, I just have to keep at it and remember this is just the beginning. With me, it is so easy to get complacent. I get excited about my success and then slack off, which is dangerous. Certainly, I don't set out to do that, but it is what has happened before. Other times, I get impatient and discouraged...or just lose motivation...so I have to guard against this, as well.

I've pretty much reached my goal of break the 300 lbs barrier. I hate that number so much. As of yesterday, I am 301 lbs, so I know I will be in the 200's as of this week. Then, my attention turns to getting as far away from the 300-pound mark as possible. My new, "immediate" goal is to get to 280 lbs. This is important to me because I hovered at that weight for a long time and was what I weighed over 10 years ago when I started at my old job. It is also important to me because I know at that weight I will begin to "look" different. I think everyone has certain points where their body noticeably transforms. For me, maybe it's every 20 lbs in the first few rounds. I don't know for sure; but this is what I remember at this point re the 280 lbs. I realise that to other people this won't seem significant, but for me it is incredible and reaching that point will be a real achievement...and another starting point for me. I have to remember to stay committed and motivated and understand - BELIEVE - that I can do this...even if it is by having just me as my sole support.

I can do it!

I WILL do it!!!! :)

Hmmmm

2007-06-20T00:33:00.000+01:00

I have a bit of a dilemma.

Well, okay, perhaps it's not a real dilemma. Maybe I am making it into one.

So, what's the problem? you ask......

I've made friends with someone who I really like - just as my friend. She is around my age - actually about 3 or 4 years older than I am - which I like...and she works part-time at the university. She's just seems like a really good person and someone I like being friends with.

But I'm feeling like I want to tell her that I am bisexual. I just don't know how to tell her. Goodness knows we've had enough opportunities for me to say it amid our conversations and she seems like she would be fine about it - that it would be no big deal and she would treat me no differently - but I feel afraid to...or just unsure about how to say it.

Lately, I have discovered that my interactions with people are not very relaxed or real. I don't feel close to people in the way that I would like and I think the fact that I am constantly hiding this side of myself is part of the reason. I don't feel like I am my REAL self with people. Well, I'm not, am I? I think this might be building up as resentment and I am possibly sabotaging my friendships or not entering into them anymore because of this secret that I carry and the fear that if others knew that they would ostracize or abandon me.

So, I don't know what to do.

She has invited me to go shopping with her on Thursday, but I don't know if that is a good time to tell her. It's just that I get embarrassed so easily about it. I feel like I am okay within myself about being bisexual, but I am not up to dealing with the reactions of others.

I know that if I want to have a good friendship with her, then a part of that will involve sharing this information about myself. (And don't get me wrong. I don't fancy her and she is straight and in a relationship, so that is not the issue. It's just about having a real friendship...one where I am not hiding and I feel the person knows and accepts me for me.)

What to do? What to do?

*sigh*

Guess What?!!

2007-06-18T19:35:00.000+01:00

I've lost more weight!

I started back at the gym today and when I hopped on the scale, I discovered I've lost 5.25 lbs during the week when I took off from exercising to focus on my exams!!!! I'm so pleased!!!

This means that since May 29th, I've lost 14 lbs! That's a stone! Fucking fantastic!!!!

My goal was to lose 20 lbs by the end of June, so I am well on my way! I swear, this news excited me so much that I just kept going on the treadmill and gave myself a great workout. I'm careful not to overdo it, though, as I don't want to injure myself or anything.

Wooooohoooooo!!!!!!

Break Time!

2007-06-15T13:01:00.000+01:00

Woooohoooo!!!

I did my last exam yesterday and I am over the moon! I did really well and I am confident I got a First - and I felt the same way about my exam on Wednesday!

Today, I am relaxing and enjoy the freedom of not having to study or do an assignment. It's been a rainy day, with a bit of thunder and lightning. I understand from the weather forecast that there have been a few flash floods across Britain between yesterday and this morning when the downpours were particularly torrential. I hope people will be okay.

So, now I am thinking of all the things I can do during my break which will be about 4 weeks long! This weekend I will be back at the gym and getting back on track with exercise. I am eager to get on the scale, though, because I feel like I might have lost more weight this week, even though I've not exercised. As a matter of fact, I think I will try on my jeans and see if there's any extra wiggle room!

Hold on....

Yes! I do feel a teeny bit of wiggle room! I'm guessing that about 2 weeks of consistent, serious effort at the gym will show a more noticeable result. That's it! That's the plan!

On another note....I'm thinking about giving up my blog...I really like this blog and it's been helpful to me. I've moved it around a few times because I didn't want one or two people reading and then I had worries about being found out on here. Now, there is hardly anyone reading, which is sort of okay with me, for some odd reason. I'm giving thought to doing something a bit different and maybe creating a new blog....under a different persona - the real me. It's time to come out of hiding. I certainly am not up for sharing details of my personal life to the extent that I have here. I mean, you won't find me admitting any crushes on Vanessa Williams, Nigella Lawson, or Davina McCall (my new crush!)...and I don't plan to disclose my sexuality and innermost thoughts, but I want the "real" me to step out of the dark and into the light. It's time for that.

Anyway, I'm not going anywhere right at this moment, but it is on my mind. Overall, I'm proud of the work I've done on myself. I am a work in progress and, like everyone else, I am constantly evolving. My decision to come to the UK to study has done me a world of good and I am starting to see life - my life, even - rather differently.

More on this another time, though. Right now I am off to do grocery shopping and then get something to eat. I'm rather hungry at the mo, so need to get something to eat.

Study & Exam Mode

2007-06-12T10:56:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling MUCH better, thank goodness! Finally getting back to myself and will be back to exercising by about Thursday.

I had my first exam yesterday. It was a Data Analysis/Statistics exam. I don't feel too good about it, but will just have to wait for the grade. I went in trying to go for a 1st, but by the time I left the exam room, I wasn't even sure if I passed the bloody exam! Time was a huge factor and, clearly, something I will be working on in preparation for subsequent exams throughout my degree programme. The ability to whiz through exam questions is critical in examinations. There's no sense in studying and having the answers to the questions, if you are not getting the information down in the allotted time!

Anyway, that's that. Nothing more I can do about it.

I am now looking ahead to my next exams. I have one tomorrow and my final one on Thursday and that's it! It will be a relief! But I DO plan to get Firsts on these two exams and feel confident that I will do it!

Under the Weather

2007-06-08T10:31:00.000+01:00

I knew there had to be something else going on besides the exercise that had me feeling a bit tired this past week. I've come on. And I had a feeling that was on the horizon as my tits were major sore and I've been outrageously horny!!!

So, yeah...it has me feeling a bit under the weather. Tummy feels blobbly and just that sicky feeling you sometimes get when you come on.

I've not exercised in the past two days and I don't plan to go to the gym today or on the weekend, but I might do a gentle walk. I did get exercise in the non-traditional when by having to walk around campus for stuff, so I can, at least, count that. Oh, and guess what? I feel a teeny bit little and agile while walking. Pretty cool after just one week or whatever it's been. (I'm too tired to check my calendar/journal right now!

What I have done is made a super conscious effort to monitor my eating. Since I am not exercising, then I had cut my intake on the food side. I also went to the grocery store last evening and stocked up on water, fruits, and veggies. Mostly, I did this to ease my discomfort while I have my monthly and also to assist with weightloss while not exercising with the same intensity as last week.

I have a seriously busy time ahead this week as I have a research report due on Sunday and my exams begin on Monday for the week, so there is much to do, and I have procrastinated once again. The good news is that I got news that I passed another of my pre-exam tests and I will be going into the exam with another First. By my calculations I need only get a 2:1 to get my First as a final grade on this subject, as well. Yaaaaayyy, me!!!

Now, I'm off to get stuff done!

WoooooHooooo!!!!

2007-06-05T20:59:00.000+01:00

I did it!

My goal for my first week of exercise was to lose 5.5 lbs, and I actually lost 8.75 lbs!!!!!

I'm in shock!

I did work very hard, though, so I deserve it. Now, I have to keep at it.

My goal for this week is 5 lbs. I know I am going to have to work a bit harder because this 8+ lbs is very likely water weight, but I don't care. I'm going for it and whatever gets me lighter is great because the lighter I become, then the easier it will be to exercise and continue reaching my goals.

I was also extra proud of myself because I did an hour on the treadmill. I want to make that the standard for me, while gradually increasing the speed and incline. The eliptical trainer is another challengegoal for me. I'd love to get to the stage where I could be on it non-stop for an hour, but that is way off at the moment. Right now, 10 minutes seems the limit for me, but I am going to work on it because I really think it is a great form of exercise, plus it's a good one to go easier on the joints since it's a low weight-bearing exercise.

So, one step at a time...and I am not going to get over-enthusiastic and lose sight of what I am working on. I have to remain focused and to just keep at it. Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Yep.

I'll get there....for now, I am so proud of myself.... ;)

Day 3 & 4

2007-06-01T08:58:00.000+01:00

You can change your reality by the way you think.

She's right.

And that is my focus.

Yesterday, I woke up feeling very down. It was only Day 3 and I almost gave up because of how I was feeling, but I pushed through it and got out the door for a short, but intense, hilly walk. I felt a little better after that and I stayed in for the day to just be with myself and work through the rest of my feelings. While I wasn't very productive all day, I am so thankful that I kept my commitment and stuck to my exercise. I am also thankful that I was gentle with myself and took a time out when it seemed I needed it.

I have just gotten back from the gym and had a great workout. I did the usual walk to the gym and back; and while at the gym I did 10 mins on the eliptical trainer (my warm up and cool down), 50 mins on the treadmill; and then did the nautilus machines for strength training. I'm tired, yet energised, if that makes any sense at all.

It's Day 4 of exercising and I feel proud of myself.

Today I will be working extra hard to catch up on a few things and to get in some major studying. I feel myself slipping and I know if I have 1 or 2 really great days of productivity, that will put me in good stead. Exams begin in a week and a half and I have an assignment the day before the first exam, as well.

So, lots to do.

I'm off to the shower!

Day 2

2007-05-30T11:23:00.001+01:00

Just back from the gym.

My body was really sore from yesterday, but I wasn't going to let that keep me from sticking to my commitment (yes, I was tempted!) and I pushed myself out the door, using comments I heard Serena Williams make during an interview with Charlie Rose:

So, I did the same routine as yesterday and I added a bit of strength training for my arms and legs. I will be incorporating ab crunches and leg lifts into my programme, too, because I seriously need to give particular attention to my stomach, which is a MAJOR problem area for me. No worries. I'll get there. One day at a time.

Now, I'm off to the shower, then the grocery store (to load up on water and veggies and other healthy food), then some heavy studying in the library in preparation for my upcoming exams.

Starting Over

2007-05-29T11:49:00.000+01:00

I went to the gym today.

15 min walk to the gym.
10 min warm up on the eliptical trainer.
30 mins on the treadmill.
10 min cool down on the eliptical trainer.
15 min walk home.

I feel good.

The first thing I did when I got to the gym, though, was weigh myself. It's been ages since I've focused on my weight and wasn't sure how much I weighed. (I knew I had gained - my underpants were getting tight! That's always a good way to tell!!!) Anyway, I am 22.75 stones. That's 318.50 lbs. Yes, terrible, I know! And, no, I still find it hard to write those numbers down publicly, but I have to get real and get moving - literally - on addressing this.

My birthday is in a month. I plan to lose 20 lbs by then. Five pounds either side of that goal will be satisfactory, though - of course, if I lose more than yippeee - but I am gunning for the 20 lbs.

I can do this. I know I can.

I'm too damn good looking to be carrying around this excess weight, but more importantly, I am doing it to improve my health, my fitness, and my self-esteem.

It's on, baby!...Bring it!

Longer Days...Shorter Nights...

2007-05-20T21:09:00.000+01:00

It's quarter past nine in the evening and it is still daylight outside. I estimate in another 20 to 30 minutes it will be dark, but this is something I've never taken notice of in all my time travelling to the UK. I guess whether it was still light out, didn't phase me when I was on holiday and staying in a hotel, doing the things you do when on vacation.

On Invisible Island I am pretty certain it doesn't go beyond 8:30-ish before it gets dark at this time of year.

Even more peculiar to me is the fact that in the last few days I've noticed the birds have been doing their usual morning chirping as the sun comes up - but at 4 AM!!!! I couldn't believe it the other morning! I thought I was delirious!....Well, at least it's great if you want to go for an early morning walk....assuming you can get up that early!

I just wonder what it will be like around June 22nd, when summer officially arrives!

Still Up

2007-05-20T08:19:00.000+01:00

I never went back to bed.

Instead, I went for a walk, came home, hit the shower, and am now getting ready to do a bit of revising.

If there is one good thing that came from that unsettling dream this morning, it is that it got me to get some exercise. I've had a struggle getting my butt in gear to get on with some physical activity. This morning's walk was so relaxing and had such a calming influence on me. There was hardly a soul on the road as I strolled along, too. Had the gym been open, I would have popped in to do a bit of extra on the treadmill and eliptical trainer, but it doesn't open until 8am on Sundays. Whatever the case, I feel good for getting out and about. I'm now in a productive mood and ready to get busy for the day.

I will still need to deal with my feelings, but one thing at a time. Right now, I'm just proud of myself for pulling it together and doing something to prevent me from dwelling on things that I cannot change.

At least I do know what things I can change (like my attitude and reaction to things) and that is a very empowering realisation.

Bad Dream

2007-05-20T04:26:00.000+01:00

I woke up half an hour ago and can't go back to sleep.

Okay. I'm afraid to go back to sleep...

I had a really bad dream.

It was about my mother. I dreamt she died and I was crying uncontrollably. It was awful. She was on her deathbed and seemed to have a terminal illness of some sort and it was one of those "it's a matter of time" things. She was in pain, but was so calm and angelic and all I was doing was sitting there next to her, crying uncontrollably and begging her not to leave me.

I don't want to recount much more of the dream as it is too disturbing and my eyes are already watering.

Fuck!

I've really started crying, now! And it's those silent tears. They are the worst...because they are the most painful.

I know it was "just a dream", but I think it is symbolic of much of what is going on in my waking life, which is often what happens with dreams. While I am away from Invisible Island, I switch off as much as I can from what is going on back there. Thankfully, my mother's Alzheimer's has not gotten dramatically worse, although I notice she becomes a bit incoherent when we speak on the phone. Things like telling me a story and then getting confused with the details along the way and being unable to fit the pieces together to complete sentences or the story, in general. She remains incredibly clever, though, and you can tell she has picked up on what has happened as she tries to bluff her way through finishing the story or smoothly waving it away as she goes onto something else. (I think this is something positive in the sense that it shows she is still very self-aware.) This is what went on before, but it has become more obvious, now. It's like walking along a road, confidently striding along with a sense of purpose and clarity about where you are going, and then, suddenly, stopping in the middle of the street and not knowing where you were going...or forgetting you even left the house sometimes!

I am missing my mother so much. I miss who she was and I miss being able to talk to her about so many things. I keep thinking I will get used to it - used to the fact that she has Alzheimer's and that she is different - but it doesn't seem that I do or ever will. I obviously adjust and accept to a degree what is going on, as it progresses, but, no, I don't seem to get used to it. I just miss her so fucking much...and I think I am more stressed and overcome by the situation than I care to admit. Perhaps I thought that while I am away from it that I could feel better about it all; and the truth is, being away from it - not living with the full reality of it up close in my face on a daily basis - has helped me in some ways and reduced the stress I had been feeling when back home, but there is another level of stress and sadness that is everpresent. It is unshakable. As much as I've ignored it, it's there, lying dormant, just below the surface.

I have this mixture of feelings, like someone has stolen something from me or I've been abandoned. Yes, I feel abandoned...by my mother....and I have so much anger and sadness about it. It's a very deep hurt...and I want it to go away. I don't feel like an adult. I feel like a child - like a little girl - who just wants her mother to be here and to fix things...to make it better like only a mother can - like only MY mother can...or could...or used to be able to...

I wish there was someone here with me....right now....right at this very minute...someone here physically with me and someone just in my life to hold and comfort me and make me feel safe again...because I haven't felt that way since my mother got the Alzheimer's.

And I worry that I may never feel okay again...

Falwell & Cho...

2007-05-16T19:05:00.000+01:00

Dear, oh dear me...

Yesterday, I read in The New York Times that Jerry Falwell had died.

Now, he was clearly a controversial figure who stirred the pot with his divisive brand of "Christian" views. Unsurprisingly, lots of people share his warped way of thinking, but the difference is the influence he wielded, politically. This is where things get particularly dangerous - when you are given a voice to a wider audience and can influence policy.

Nope.

Not good.

So, I guess it's no surprise that many are not distraught about his death, but I didn't think I would read such equally troubling comments from readers who shared their thoughts on his passing. I was going to post a few of them here, but I've decided against it. I'm no fan of Falwell, but the reader comments were pretty extreme and do nothing but continue the spirit of intense ill will.

Instead, here is what Larry Flynt of Hustler Magazine had to say (and many of us know their - Flynt & Falwell's - tumultuous history!)...His words certainly made me stop and think - especially since I really believe that first line of his quote is often very true.

''My mother always told me that no matter how much you dislike a person, when you meet them face to face you will find characteristics about them that you like. Jerry Falwell was a perfect example of that. I hated everything he stood for, but after meeting him in person, years after the trial, Jerry Falwell and I became good friends. ... I always appreciated his sincerity even though I knew what he was selling and he knew what I was selling.''

Good for Flynt.

Still, Falwell's death - his life - does have me thinking about how so many Christians can behave in the most un-Christian-like way. (Goodness! I can even remember how my own grandmother would use her Bible to hit someone if they made her angry! It gave new meaning to Bible-thumping!) This behaviour is not only limited to Christians, of course. Clearly, no one is perfect, and we all make mistakes and contradict ourselves, but enough already! It's like a vicious cycle!

Hey!...Margaret Cho might explain it a bit better...(Am I contradicting myself by posting this? Eh...Just listen....you get the idea...)

Designer What?

2007-05-16T10:45:00.000+01:00

I've heard of designer handbags, designer sunglasses, and even designer furniture, but....errrmmm...designer vaginas? Now, that's a new one!

I'm sitting here working with the telly on in the background and there is a segment on ITV This Morning about "Designer Vaginas". Not wanting to miss out on this delightful folly, I had to stop working and give it my full attention - nevermind that much of the detail was missed thanks to my hysterical laughter!

I really don't know which was more hilarious: when the lovely, though timid-looking, guest, "Victoria", recounted her purchase of an upgraded "va-jay-jay" as the screen flashed her name with the awkward description, "Had her vagina redesigned"; or the look on Fern & Phil's faces as they attempted to give a serious interview on this "delicate" subject. You're not fooling us, Fern. We could all see you wanted to roll on the floor laughing your tits off! lMto!!!

Actually, there was something that did top that: It was when the interior decorator, Dr. Va-jay-jay, proceeded to explain the procedure with the aid of diagrams on a screen. The best was the frontal view of the vagina drawing where he repeatedly "fingered" his explanation (if you get my meaning)...It was priceless!

American television with all its glitz and glam and bells and whistles doesn't come close to Bitish telly, I tell ya...Nope! No way!....(I mean, really, can you see Katie Couric and Matt Lauer giving that interview?...Okay! Maybe Meredith Viera could do it! Yeah, that would be one to watch! lol)....

Oy vey!....

Quick, Hard & Long

2007-05-14T19:18:00.000+01:00

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.

You tend to take more than give in relationships.

You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time.

You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.

You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

This is spot on, except for the bit about taking more than giving. I definitely give more than I take, which has gotten me into a bit of trouble! I'm learning my lesson, though!!!

Thinking

2007-05-12T23:01:00.000+01:00

I've been thinking about coming out to my family when I next return to Invisible Island.

It seems a bit silly in a way since I'm sure they already know I'm not entirely straight. It's the proverbial elephant in the room.

All I know is I want to be more real in my life. There is nothing wrong with me liking men and women (and these days it's been mostly women, probably because I am really focused on emotional connections and I find that more with women), although I know my family will see it as wrong or weird. It's really just my siblings I will be telling since my mother has Alzheimer's and my father has been in the hospital since January.

Anyway, I'm still thinking about it. A part of me feels there is no need to disclose these details of my life with my siblings since I don't feel close to them (as they are with each other) and don't think this will make things that much different. Also, there is no one in my life who will be there to support me if or when I do make this step, so that's something else to consider.

Like I said, I just want to be more authentic - more honest in my life about who I am and what I want...and I feel that people who are a part of my life or want to know the real me, need to know this is who I am. I want people to love and respect me for who I really am and not just who they think I am or who they want me to be...

Sometimes it's not WHAT we do, but HOW we do it...

2007-05-05T01:45:00.000+01:00

"Sorry I missed your calls. I don't think we can be friends."

This was a text message I received about an hour ago from someone.

Why do people think it's appropriate to do this sort of thing via a text message?

Fine. If you don't want to be friends, well, ok. Sure that hurts, but do you think it will hurt me any less by you declaring it via a text message?

Actually, the real source of my hurt is the fact that it was done on a text message.

I already realised the friendship was not working out. I even accept a large part of the blame for it turning out this way. But this still was not the way to do it. I guess she did it to protect her own feelings and so she won't have to bother with any dialogue on the issue.

Yep.

I guess that's why people do it. I guess it's about a clean and easy break from their side of things.

Good for them.

Now, I just have to figure how to sew up my feelings and move on.

Ugly Betty....GORGEOUS Vanessa!!!!

2007-03-25T16:17:00.000+01:00

I can't take it!

Vanessa Williams (playing the character of Wilhemina Slayter) sashaying across my television screen is too much for me to handle! She's the ONLY reason I've ever tuned into this show and wish she was in EVERY scene - despite the palpitations she generates!

Wellll....maybe there is one other reason I was motivated to watch it: Selma Hayak! I like her - mostly because I've seen her in interviews and she comes across as very grounded, centred, and intelligent.

But back to V...Oy vey! I don't know of any female who makes my head turn like that! It's not just her look, but her voice, her mannerisms - she's a complete package...and ageing is treating her VERY well, too. Can't believe she has 4 kids, even! Hmmm...I do have a thing for certain women in their forties....*sigh*

I remember when I saw her in NYC when she was starring in Into the Woods on Broadway. SHe was superb. Yes, I was convinced she was looking at me as she was delivering her lines and looking into the crowd. (I know. I've got it bad.) I know I always say I'm not into the celebrity folk and lifestyles, but I do appreciate beauty and I do have my kinks, so what can I say?

Okay...let me get back to V...(and what a great letter for her first name!)

Ho-Hum

2007-03-24T19:45:00.000Z

Well, I had planned to get back to blogging everyday, but that just never seems to work, does it?

The truth is I've been so busy this past week. I had tests and exams and an assignment due, so for the past two weeks, and especially this last week, I've had no time to breath, really. Today, has been my first day off, as it were, and boy did I veg out! I've done nothing but sleep, watch telly, eat, chat online, look at porn and adult websites, and, yes, lots of masturbating.

See!

This is why I HAVE to be busy. If I'm not, it's just a recipe for disaster. I get into all kinds of trouble. I even let this guy ring me who I was chatting with online and now we've planned for a meet up at his hotel tomorrow night. Quite frankly, I don't even know if I'm going to go. I'll see how I feel tomorrow night.

Damn!...I had better make myself busy again!

Need To Do WAAAAAYYYY More!!!

2007-03-18T08:15:00.000Z

While getting ready this morning to go to the library, I was listening to this programme on the telly and they mentioned this guy in the pic.

His name is Rudi van Vuuren and he's a 34 year old cricketer and rugby player from Namibia whose claim to fame (well one of them) is playing in both the Cricket and Rugby World Cups in 2003.

Errrrrmmmm...Oh....and he's also a surgeon! Helping to fight HIV in his country and delivering babies and all other bits of medical miracles!

According to the programme, he starts his day at 5 am with a bit of cricket training. Then is off to surgery later that morning. Annnnnddd then a practice cricket or rugby match in the afternoon, barring any medical emergencies that might crop up.

Oh!...That's not all...He also helps run a wildlife sanctuary!

Fuck me! (Yes, I know. I've been swearing a lot lately. Who gives a fuck, really? I'm over here in bum fuck UK - ok...maybe not bum fuck UK, since I love it here, but it's a fun thing to say! - and I am tired of being Miss Proper Mature Psychology Student...I miss fucking swearing - even tho I usually only swear behind closed doors, anyway - like every thing else I do...and I miss telling my hilarious and dirty little jokes with my friends back on Invisible Island...so you will just have to fucking put up with my potty mouth, damn it!!!)

So, yeah....After hearing about this guy, I am reminded once again that I seriously need to do more...I'm 37 and need to pick up the pace...Yesterday, I didn't even finish my fucking application! I was surfing the net and chatting in the library and finding every single thing to do besides doing my fucking work! WTF?!!!

I'll do better today.

Honest.

I'm all showered and dressed (never mind I look like shit in these dark coloured, faded sweats with holes in the crotch of my pants - i have a story about that, too - but whateva)...and I'm headed out the door to have another go at being productive! Heaven help me!

Today, my inspiration is Rudi van Vuuren. Go, Rudi! Never heard of you, but you is deffo da man, dude!

Money, Money, Money, Money, MONNNNEEEEYY...(Like the song on Apprentice! lol)

2007-03-17T12:48:00.000Z

I've been pretty busy lately. I have exams on Monday and Tuesday and a report due on Friday and then that's pretty much it for the term. After this week I get about 2 weeks off before the next term starts.

Gee! After I finish next term I would have done three terms and would have been here for about 10 months! Where does the time go?! This also has me quietly worried, though, as I personally funded my studies up to the end of June with a regular, personal bank loan and use my savings to pay it off each month. I am applying for additional funding via student loan (which has far better terms and I don't have to pay it while I am studying) and the application deadline is June, but I am hoping they will go through my application now and then have the money ready in time for the July term start date.

If I get it, but they don't send the money in time, then my back up plan is to pay it with my credit card and when they send the money later, I can pay the card right off. (I'm so against credit card debt and think it's crazy when I hear of people overseas carrying like $20k plus on their cards!...but I still get it....you gotta do what ya gotta do, I guess.)

Now, if I don't get this student loan (in which case I will be seriously shitting bricks!), then I will have to go back to the bank for more money which will be very difficult since I'd have to pay more each month (and those funds I have in the bank won't be sufficient to settle after this year runs out) and I'd also have loads more interest piled on the loan. In short, I'd be fucked.

So, whatever....the process has me really worried and I have procrastinated this week on getting the application out. I had been waiting on some documents from the uni and now that I have them there is no excuse for me not to have it sent out. I think there is a small part of me that is afraid that doesn't want to face the whole trying and failing thing. Sometimes it seems easier not to try and let it all fall to fucking pieces and then know you controlled it all. Is that fucking crazy or what?! Yep. I know it is. I don't actually sit and think it through that way until I question why I've been delaying. So, there you have it.

Well, I do know I love my studies. I love the field I am pursuing and so I have to make things happen. I have to make the money come through to me. I can only do this if I get off my ass and do what I am supposed to do and face the fear. Shit! I've known of people in school that didn't even have the little bits I have and they've made it happen...AND some of them had kids and no one to help them...so, something has to work for ME.

Okay! There's my fucking motivation! I guess I just needed to write it out for myself. Good. I'm done. I'm off to the library to finalise my application and it will be going in the express mail on Monday! That's it! FINAL!!!

Speaking of final....I need to get on with my studies today, so I'm out of here...I'm off to the library!

Hugs & Kisses!

Okay, Freud!! I Heard You!!!! :(

2007-03-13T07:34:00.000Z

The other night someone was asking me what I thought about Freud and I told them I thought that while his work was hugely important and has been very influential in developing the dscipline of psychology, his approach was heavily focused on sex and often discounted to some extent by modern psychologists. From there an interesting discussion ensued, with me offering a few startling revelations, which, although fascinating, I won't get into here.

Okay, so fine enough, I spouted off about Freud and his myriad of interpretations of human behaviour from a sexual persepctive.

So, guess what happens?

I was startled out of my sleep at around 5-ish this morning because I was having a dream where I was in the throes of a serious kiss with my best friend, L! She was in my bed coming on to me and everything!...Fuck! It totally freaked me out....

...because I loved it!.... :(

Shit!...

Now I feel like avoiding her for a bit. But I can't; she's my best friend and we talk almost everyday, either online or on the phone. I know I'd never tell her about the dream, but it is so bothering me this morning. Trust me, I was so scared of going back to sleep...and I didn't!....I'm hoping I don't have some sort of suppressed feelings for her. I mean she is very attractive, but so are my other friends and I don't have dreams about THEM!

Hopefully, the feeling will pass.

Anyway, I apologise to Freud! I heard ya, sir! Loud and clear! Loud and clear!....(I think I had better check-out a Freud book this week!)....

By the way, I did have a lovely weekend. It was all a bit of a whirlwind, but we enjoyed every minute. I want to talk about it so much, but on the other hand ???.... Maybe I will write about it later when I have time....I'll think on it....

Anyway, very busy at the moment, as the term ends next week and I'm in the mid of assignments and preparing for exams, so lots of time in the library with head in the books. I'm making great progress, though, so feeling great about it.

It's the weekend! :) :) ;)

2007-03-09T10:47:00.000Z

Another gorgeous day outside! Just beautiful!

And now it's the weekend! Yippppeeee!!!!

Hmmmm....Should I 'fess up?....*drumming fingers on desk*

Okay.

I'm having a dirty weekend with one of my friends. She's coming to see me, since I really am supposed to be studying and working on assignments this weekend, but we really wanted to see each other so, she's decided to come here. We've known each other for a while and have been together before. She's been away for a few weeks, so we are pretty overdue for some in person time together. She's an editor and writer for a popular magazine (no, I ain't tellin'!), so she tends to travel quite a lot and has a pretty busy life. But what I like is that she really makes time for me.

Hmmmm...There's a hell of a lot more I like about her, too! She's fucking great in bed and is very attractive. Why am I so weak for good looks and great sex? But she has a great personality, too. Very kind, incredibly intelligent and progressive, and extremely feminine and tactile. She's a complete package, which is refreshing.

No, I'm not in love...We're not moving in together, although we are getting very close to each other. It's another one of my in between romances. The romantic friendship thing. She understands and is on the same page, so it feels great. We have our attractions and involvements with other people, but she still knows how to make me feel special to her, so I don't feel negatively affected. I don't know. I just enjoy her. Fuck, she's been giving me some out of this world phone sex while she's been away and I've been walking around wet all day, everyday since she's been away. It's one of the reasons I didn't go to see my friends in London this past weekend. Even though, I was feeling down because of that other situation and probably could have used the company and distraction, I've wanted to avoid sex so I could make it extra explosive when we're together.

I think when I'm going through stuff or feeling stressed I end up getting extra hot and horny and need a release and this is what's been happening with her. Okay, well it happens with others, too.

I just like that she knows and understands. I've told her about what's happened recently and she gets it. Shit! I'm horny just thinking about her. I seriously LOVE the sex. Then, again I love sex anyway! lol But I also like how we relate and how she is very thoughtful about me. It makes me feel good. When I was feeling down and hurt last week, she sent me a lovely present to cheer me up, even though she was half way around the globe. It was awesome. That sort of kindness gets me instantly wet and I like it that there are no games or hang-ups. She's been through enough in life that she knows how to deal with issues in a measured way, without hurting people. No drama. No games. No baggage.

So, yeah, she's going to come here and she's renting a place for the weekend so we can have privacy and enjoy far better accommodations than my mere residence hall can supply! lol She's not pretentious, though, since she has stayed here and it was fun. But I do plan to do some very different and particularly naughty things I've really been wanting to do lately! The fact that she is up for it is even more thrilling! Let's just hope we can both walk on Monday!

And, no, I will not be kissing and telling after this weekend! Tempted though I will be. But I do plan to put a serious smile on her face and kiss her lips (both of them) all weekend! lol

Here's to being kinky!

Back, Sack & Crack Wax

2007-03-08T22:49:00.000Z

I so love Graham Norton. He's just completely hilarious.

I just got home and switched on the telly and he has some guy on his programme getting a back, sack, and crack wax! It was priceless! The woman doing the waxing is telling the poor guy to pull his bits forward (he's on all fours at this point on the table, with a towel draped over him...and he's hairy as hell, judging from his back, alone!) as she yanks the wax strip off his, errrrmm....balls! I can barely stand that shit being done on my legs, so I really feel for this poor sucker! Anyway, it was great! So much pain for such a cute guy!

Norton also had Joan Rivers as a guest on the show, so that added to the fun. She offered some rather interesting tidbits of info....like semen has 450 calories! Shit! No wonder I'm overweight! lol....Norton was good enough to point out how that might go down at a Weight Watchers meeting, "Hmmmm...Now how many points is that?" lmao!!!.....I love it!

Peek-A-Boo

2007-03-08T10:30:00.000Z

One of my great pleasures is going without underwear in the summer, particularly when I'm feeling naughty and wearing a skirt. I used to get a genuine thrill out of it when I use to go to work looking great and all put together, knowing I haven't a stitch of panties on. (It did come in handy on a few occasions, for easy access, when I was having a periodic mad fling and my sweetie of the moment popped by my office for a lustful quickie! Goodness! The things that office of mine has seen!)

Anyhoo, clearly this one below hasn't quite made the "transition", if you get my meaning...Look closely and see if you get what I'm talking about...(I sure hope this wasn't a job interview!)...lol

Gorgeous!

2007-03-08T10:02:00.000Z

The weather is gorgeous this morning! It's so sunny and bright and pretty out! I love it!

Sitting at my desk and typing, I love being able to look outside and see the ducks gliding along the river and hear them quacking. It's just a beautiful sight outdoors today. Makes me really happy.

So, I'm going out to enjoy it. I need to get quite a bit done today and want to absorb every minute of it.

Oh! Guess what?! I have a funny experiment to do for my psychology class this afternoon. I have to stand in a busy area and pretend to "accidentally" drop oranges from a deliberately torn shopping bag and see who comes to my rescue. lol It's about bystander intervention and something more specific that we call diffusion of responsibility. (In a crowd sometimes people feel less inclined to help since they think others will do it or if no one else is doing it then they won't either, sort of thing. I also have to do the same thing in a less crowded area and see if there is a difference in the behaviour of passersby. It will be interesting, I'm sure.)

These are the joys of a psychology student - all of the wonderful experiments and research carried out on occasionally unsuspecting members of the public. Actually, it's not always unsuspecting, as there are ethical guidelines us budding psychologist must adhere to. But it's fun and should give me ample opportunity to hone my lovely acting skills.

I think I might head to the gym this afternoon as well. Now that I'm finally feeling better, I want to get back on track with my regular exercise. I've actually missed it, which is rather funny. I'm thinking of taking a step class, too. When I was last at the gym, I saw this black guy who walked into the fitness room when I was on the treadmill and I noticed him right away since he was good looking and, let's face it, there aren't that many of us around this area. Of course, this meant we immediately acknowledged each other. Anyway, when I left I happened to notice he was the instructor for the step class that was going on in the other fitness room. It looked like a beginner's class or something and I felt I could definitely do it, so I am going to give it a go. Plus, it's another great way to meet new people outside of uni. Hmmmm...and I can check the instructor out, too! He has a nice body and his butt looked delicious in those tight spandex workout pants! (Would have been better if I was able to catch the front view, though! Mmmmmm...) lol

Well, I'm off to enjoy the blue skies, bright sun, pretty green grass, and cute little, quacking ducks!

Reminiscing...(Is that how you spell it?)

2007-03-07T12:54:00.000Z

*yawn*

I'm too tired to check the dictionary. lol

But, yeah, that's what I've been doing. Reminiscing. Mostly about the old flame, S, who messaged me online the other night.

I had a nice lie in this morning and am just up puttering about. It's been a while since I've been in bed this long without feeling ill. I do feel a bit guilty as I have a number of things I need to get done today...like that pile of laundry I have over there glaring at me. *sigh*

I think S is really working on my mind, you know? I even had a dream about him. Thankfully, it wasn't a sex dream, though! Then again, that might have been better since from what I can remember it was more about our emotional connection.

No, I don't want to be with him. Definitely not. I've lost respect for him and once that's gone then there really is no point. But I really enjoyed our conversation the other night. It's really been a while since I've been able to have a conversation like that and just talk about things that were of mutual importance and relevance. We are good like that, I have to admit. We are very much equals on almost all levels and I do admire him for many things in his life. He's a great father and overall loving and reliable family man. You should hear him speak of his parents. It's wonderful. Makes me melt. In his career, he's very progressive and a hugely successful banker and senior exectutive. He loves the outdoors and adventure sports - a really good diver. He's even writing a book now! Then, of course, he is very easy on the eyes. Yep. Very attractive, yet unassuming and not pretentious. I loved all of these things about him. He's just crap in a relationship. That's the kicker. While he's a fantastic person to talk with and we could talk with and listen to each other for hours on end, he is a real "bury your head in the sand" kind of person when there's a relationship problem. I don't like that.

Also, he's in a relationship now and he still talks with me as though he is still interested...and it's not the first time. How could I respect someone who does that when they are still in a relationship? I mean, I know our time together was magical and the sex was great. (I know he's never had sex like that before or since and he's admitted as much several times over the years. You know what they say: Once you go black, you don't go back! lmao....His loss! lol) But one of the things I know is that if you want to have an idea of how a person will be with you down the road, then just observe how they are with people they are with or have been with, and that will give you a pretty good idea. In fact, have a look at how they treat people in general.

I think we sometimes get distracted by our own want or need to be with someone...or our sexual desires....or whatever it is....that we don't properly assess people...no matter how big the flashing red warning light is on their head. I've done that enough times, I think (with all kinds of relationships - whether as friends or more). I'm actually better about it with men than I am with women, but I'm getting clearer about it. I mean, c'mon, there couldn't have been a bigger red light than with Karen, right? And this latest episode with the "friend" who left my life last week is another example. I didn't pay attention to the signs. I was careless and let myself get caught up in the fun. (And I know she is not a bad person, but her behaviour wasn't very nice and I've lost respect for her.)

Anyway, when you sit and look back on it all, you do get clear. In some cases, it takes longer than others, but eventually you get there. For me, I look back on the S situation and am ok with it. Like I said, I don't respect him on that level, but he is a good person and I like it when we do communicate. I do know that I would prefer to limit my contact, though. He has asked about taking me out. (Never mind that he is in a relationship and living with her!) I just can't do that. I'm no angel and it's not like I haven't done things that are wrong, but I refuse to get caught up with him again, especially since this is a situation where he does tug at my heart strings. It's not good. Who's to say he wouldn't chat up some other woman from his past if we were ever together. It's the basis for an insecure relationship...and I'm so not having that in my life.

Anyway, I don't use that messenger ID much at all, so I don't have to worry too much. I am surprised he still has me on his contact list after all this time, though. Okay. I admit I did like that. Whatever. It was just lovely talking with him and feeling like I could connect with someone who is on the same wave length, as it were. Someone who makes you think and who you know is at the same point in life that you are and you are able to share thoughts with and have them understood. It's been a really long time feeling that in synch on a normal level. So, yeah, that was lovely.

I just hope I don't dream about him again! lol

Coming Back

2007-03-06T22:59:00.000Z

In honour of my voice coming back, I had to post this one!

And here's to her comeback! I love this one!

When "I Love You" Ends It...

2007-03-04T22:54:00.000Z

Okay. Something is bugging me. And I want it off my chest.

For the past few months I've been talking with someone I've known online. I met her through my blog well over a year ago and all was light and friendly until I began chatting with her when I came across the pond. We went from chatting online, to chatting on the phone. She was coming out of a relationship and so we spent time chatting about that and just getting closer.

Sometimes, I am amazed at how close you can get with someone just from talking online or on the phone...without having met in person. I guess it's because you spend time communicating so much that way and it's on a deeper level in some ways.

I had no intention of having anything serious with her for a a couple of reasons, but somehow I began to care about her. She definitely wasn't up for anything serious having come out of something already, but we got close.

The other night she kept asking me how I felt about her and later I told her I loved her. First, let me say that I've had the worst cold lately and after every bit of medicine didn't seem to be working, I took at heaping dose of whiskey, lemon, and honey that evening and pretty much passed out on the bed. At some point that night, either I called her or she called me and I wasn't entirely myself and apparently told her I loved her. I didn't remember telling her at first, but when I seemed to come to during the conversation she was telling me that I said it. Then, later, when I was a bit clearer and we had been talking at length, I said it to her again. I remembered saying it this time. I meant it. I did love her. I loved the time we spent talking and the way we connected. I loved the phone sex and I loved when she would text me and call me and when she would tell me she missed me. Admittedly, in the weeks prior to this, we had been having a number of ups and downs that were most vexing, but I was trying to be patient and understanding and I tried to reach out to her each time things went wobbly.

Anyway, after telling her I loved her, she decided to walk away.

Well, first, she wanted to disect it and have me tell her what it meant. I thought it was the most bizarre, disturbing, and insensitive thing. I mean, she totally freaked out! It was crazy! Who the frig carries on like that when someone says "I love you"? It's not like I was a complete stranger who came up and said it out of the blue, for crying out loud. I had told her it was just an expression of what I felt right there and then. It meant I cared about what happens in her life. It meant I worry about her when she is all alone and stuff. I meant I wanted to make her feel safe and to know that she wasn't just a plaything to me. Bottom line: It just meant I cared deeply. What's the fucking crime in that? Clearly, there was something very wrong with it, because she made me feel so terrible after saying it. I didn't even know who she was afterwards because I felt she was just so unkind.

I realise it frightened her and she was worried about getting hurt after her last relationship. I completely understood that. Completely. I guess as much as I am certain that I wouldn't hurt her, she has no way of knowing that.

I never asked her to say it back. Of course, we all like it when someone says it back, but I wasn't looking for that from her. I already knew she was not ready for that. I only wanted her to know that I cared and how special she was to me. I wanted her to be happy about that and for it to mean something good. I really thought she would have seen it that way.

I did not expect to be in a relationship with her. Maybe that is strange, but I wasn't thinking that far ahead. I want to have closeness and to have someone in my life, but I am not entirely sure myself that I am ready for a relationship and, if I am, I need certain things in any relationship I choose. But like I said, she freaked out. Really freaked out...and I was left feeling like telling her what I felt made me some kind of freak or something. Who knew that telling someone you loved them was such a horrible thing?

While I understood her fears on the one hand, I was thoroughly baffled by her insensitivity and coldness towards me. She cut everything off right after that. I did try to discuss it with her and to help her to understand where I was coming from, but it didn't matter. She was finished with me. She went on and on about all kinds of negative stuff, without any regard for how hurtful her behaviour was to me.

It was all about pulling me in and pushing me away. Whether she meant to do that or not, it's exactly what she did. Now she says she feels she has to protect herself and can't let herself get hurt. That she does not want to take that chance with me. (Nice one.)

You know what I find really disturbing? She cut me off without even a suggestion that one day we could be friends. It was like I was just banished from the kingdom. I think that was cruel. All because I said three words. Interestingly, she was perfectly fine when I told her I wanted to take her to Invisible Island and to other places. It was fine when we planned to get together physically or all the other things I said I wanted to do with and for her. (Sue me. It's how I am.) Yes, she loved those things and told me she wanted to experience all of that with me. Told me I was the one person other than her ex who could bring out her feelings. But me saying "I love you" ruined everything. So much for caring, huh?

I seriously don't understand how she could behave the way she did with me. I know she is a good person, but she was pretty unkind to me. I bent over backwards to be patient and understanding....and this is how she treated me. Cut me off completely.

I was really hurt earlier this week when it happened. We were supposed to meet up this weekend for the first time and I was looking forward to it. It took me a long time to get the courage to agree to meet. She had wanted me to meet for quite some time, but I was afraid. This time I was going to make it happen. But she shredded our friendship to pieces, in one fell swoop.

I'm not sure how I feel, still. Well, I guess it is bothering me that she cared so little to not even want a friendship at some point down the road. I guess I should have seen it coming. In the past few weeks, after our first fall out (which was the result of HER not being upfront about something), she has consistently pushed me away or made me feel like I was some sort of problem or inconvenience and that other people were more worthy of her attention than I was. I tried not to dwell on it, but she made it very obvious and on one or two occasions I felt she would try to yank my chain when I would be happy and reach out to her, by telling me about her conversations or sex with other people. I don't know, maybe she wasn't as mature as I thought she was. There is a huge age gap between us and I've hardly been involved with anyone my own age, let alone younger.

Still, if I'm honest, I would be really happy if she called me and said she was sorry and missed me and wanted us to be friends and to be close again. I wish she would just talk to me instead of running away...But I know this is not going to happen because I don't matter to her...my friendship doesn't matter to her...and she doesn't care.

We all have issues and I guess this is her working though hers. I just wish I didn't have to get hurt while she did it...because I did care and I don't feel I deserved to be treated so poorly and have our friendship thrown away because of "I love you".

It's sad.

Surprise, Surprise....

2007-03-03T21:07:00.000Z

On Thursday, I forgot that I had agreed to meet a friend for drinks in the evening and when she sent me a text to remind me I was so tempted to cancel, but I felt bad and decided to meet up with her. I'm glad I did.

It was only my second time meeting up with her. The first time was back in October. She was introduced to me via email by a family friend back on Invisible Island before I came over here. She's quite a bubbly sort of person and when I first met her in October, I thought she was nice, but wasn't sure we really clicked. This time, though, when I walked into the restaurant/bar I seemed to look at her quite differently. I don't quite know what it was, but she looked quite different - more attractive.

Anyway, we sat and had drinks and chatted and at some point she told me that I seemed very sad. Truthfully, I have been sad this week for one or two reasons (it had to do with a woman - damn, they're so much work!), but I thought I was doing a good job of hiding it. Well, somehow I ended up telling her what was the matter and that "I'm not exactly straight" - that I'm bisexual. She looked at me as if I was telling her I have two eyes and a nose. Then she says she pretty much knew that because she had a sense about these things. I was a bit horrified because the last thing I wanted to know was that I looked gay. (I pride myself on looking very feminine!) But she said, I didn't look gay, but that I seemed very guarded and sometimes when I would speak of relationships I would refer to the person as "he" and other times I would say "they", which is so true! I do it all the time. Anyway, after telling her, she said it's like I became a brand new person. She said it was the most animated she had seen me and I was full of smiles and laughs for the rest of the night.

OMG!!!! While typing this post, I forgot that I was signed into messenger and guess who just sent me a message?!! It's this guy I was involved with way back when I used to travel for business to...well, a certain place. He is living in the Channel Islands now. Hmmmm...not too far away....We just had a nice long chat online which was nice. You know, he's the one guy I've always loved talking with. Back when we first met, we had this really magical time and completely tender, loving sex. I cared for him a lot...until he messed it up. Of course, he always makes a point of declaring his undying attraction, which is nice, but it ain't happening. Well, ok, I might want to shag him one more time. *grin* It was just nice to talk with him.

So, back to Thursday night with my friend. It all turned out to be a lovely evening and she tells me she might take me to some gay bar somewhere and get me sorted out. lol...yeah, right!....I'm just glad I told her and I liked how she was about it. Although, I did find she kept touching me and then there were a number of times she would just sit and stare at me and smile, with these long uncomfortable (for me) pauses. I noticed she did this kind of thing a few times when I first met up with her back in October...with a bit of lip licking thown in, which she repeated on Thursday night, as well. She even stroked my face a few times. Now, I take it this means she is just very tactile, but then I wouldn't have a clue if it meant more, unless she clubbed me over the head and dragged me to her car! lol....I think I don't wish to be presumptuous or to get it wrong, so I assume it means nothing. Still, it turned me on a bit and the fact that she looked good was really doing it for me, too. I do have a think for white women in their 40's! Plus, I know she is a naughty minx, since she has already shared her stories of her sexual escapades with her latest boyfriend. Goodness knows, I love people who share my kinks in bed!

I'm just glad I came out to her. Wow! I actually came out this week! I hadn't thought of it like this before, but there you go. Come to think of it, I did come out to one of my other friends in London this week. I was really having a low moment and contacted her and just came out with it. She doesn't seem shocked, but I'm not entirely sure how she feels about it. I don't care really. I think I'm on this kick about just being open and honest myself with other people. While I'm not ready to stand on the rooftops and tell the whole world, I do feel a little ready to tell more and more people who are in my life. I think it has been very damaging for me to be keeping all of this stuff to myself and maybe if I was more open about my life with people who are closest to me then I might choose more carefully who I get involved with because I think some of the people (the women) I've become involved with in one way or another has been the result of me just feeling close and connected on the basis of being able to be real about who I am. My relationships with them have really been based on the fact that I felt I could be myself and they understood. It helped me to feel safe and free. So, if I can have that with my friends and family, then I can let any relationships with women be about who they are as individuals and what I really want in my relationships with them on a normal basis. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but it seemed to make sense to ME and I'm still thinking it through.

Well, one of my friends invited me to come and stay with her this weekend in London, as she was worried about me, given how I was feeling earlier in the week, but I decided to stay here. She's probably going to come here next weekend or I will go there, then. Will see...

Ouch!

2006-12-28T18:45:00.000Z

I'm on a mission.

I've gotten back up and I am determined to lose weight, get fit, and be healthy.

Yesterday, I had a follow-up appointment at the gym and the trainer put a programme together for me. It consists of 15 mins on the treadmill and 10 to 15 mins on the eliptical/cross trainer machine and about 4 exercises involving the weight machines for my upper body and arms and then for the legs. He feels I should only be doing this 3 days a week.

I don't feel it's enough AT ALL. I don't feel he is pushing me enough. (He probably thinks I'll keel over and die if he gives me anymore to do!) When he first asked me how much time I am looking to dedicate to my workouts, I told him at least two hours a day, but he said this is far too much. He seems to think 20 to 30 mins on cardio is sufficient, but I think an hour is about right for me. I went ahead through the intial bit with him yesterday, but I've decided I would like to up the level. I know I am not overdoing it, especially since I've done this stuff before and I know my strengths and weaknesses, so I've planned out my own additionals to complement what he has given me.

I know that for me to have the kind of success I am looking for, I need to exercise everyday. The difference will be that I will not train at the same intensity on the 1 to 2 days I will assign as my days off. On those days I will have some movement going but ease up enough to give my body a good rest so that on the real training days my body will perform well.

I will say that the eliptical trainer is a killer machine for me! I had never used it before - mostly because I am always afraid I'm too heavy for it, but the guy told me I was off my head and not worry about it! lol I was only on the damn thing for 5 mins for a warm up and then 10 mins for a cool down and I was busted! Then, when I woke up this morning, my whole body felt like someone had ridden a bike all over me the whole night! Still, I got up and went walking. I had actually, walked to the gym, but when I got there it was closed! I think with the holiday upon us they have reduced hours. No worries, though, because I went for a nice walk and put in some hills. Feels great!....and I really want to get better with the eliptical trainer because it gives a great workout, so I am going to make that a special project. (Will stick to the 10 to 15 mins, but will work on it consistently so I can work my way up to 30 mins on it and beyond.)

I'm excited about my goals and my efforts - even though it's just day two!

Need To Be Loved....Yeah, Yeah...So Sue Me! lol

2006-12-27T22:06:00.000Z

I just took this test online about "neediness".....

Hmmmm...

Okay, I admit it, damn it!...A lot of it is true...

*sigh*

"Your type: Emotional. You need a lot of love You need a lot of love and attention. You couldn’t live without love, whatever your situation. At work and when you’re with friends you like to be in an atmosphere that is charged with positive emotions. This is the only way you feel happy and efficient. It makes you a nice person to have around – you tend to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Your need for popularity has turned you into an altruist. Equally, you can find yourself at the head of groups you belong to, due to your ability to bring people together and get a good vibe going. But for the same reasons you also have your faults: your need to be liked can make you go over the top when it comes to getting people on side. You can come across as a bit unstable. It’s only a small step from being charismatic to seeming egotistical. When you’re not on your best form you can seem demanding, jealous and fickle; a psychoanalyst would class you as an arch narcissist. Try to remember that the rest of the world does not have to like you or everything that you do. Remaining neutral and maintaining a certain distance can also sometimes be the right thing to do."

Say It LOUD..........

2006-12-26T11:59:00.000Z

I'm Black And I'm Proud!!!.....

His lyrics, music, and presence did a lot for black Americans during the Civil Rights Movement, in particular. He helped them stand taller and hold their heads high at a time when they being hosed, beaten, and denied freedom and equality. He was the KING!...

Rest in peace, fella....thanks for what you gave us...all of us...

Ho-Ho-Ho!

2006-12-24T14:31:00.000Z

I couldn't resist...

Exercise

2006-12-21T16:43:00.000Z

Here's something I can share.

I just got back from a nice walk. It was a bit shorter than I would ordinarily attempt, but it was a great effort and the goal was really to just get me going, so I'm happy about it.

It's freezing...It's totally foggy...and my nipples feel like they're frozen...BUT I'm smiling! :)

Yaaaaayyyy me!

allo

2006-12-21T14:56:00.000Z

Hmmm....

I've been a bit stumped for things to write about.

Lately, I haven't been in the mood to share what's up with me on a personal level. Actually, I've been trying to keep things to myself, really. I find this a little hard to do because it's a bit of a lonely feeling, but I feel it's something I have to learn to come to grips with for various reasons.

So, gee whiz, what the hell is there to talk about except my precious self?????? lol

Merry Christmas to ME!!!

2006-12-15T11:10:00.000Z

Yippppeee!!!

I've just changed my travel dates and will be staying here in the UK until after the New Year's holiday. Christmas and New Year's Eve are not exactly my favourite times of the year and being back on Invisible Island is sure to make it less thrilling. SO, I've decided to stay here until it's all over and then head back in January for about 2 weeks. That should give me enough time to sort out a few things I need to tend to and to see my parents. Plus, I need to collect a few things, like extra clothes and the like.

I will pretty much spend the holidays on my own and just relax and do whatever. I'm told it gets really dead quiet here where I'm staying, but that's okay. There are a few students who will be on campus, I think, so it's not going to be a complete ghost town. I'm going to use the time to read more and to exercise, which I've not done in a while. (That reminds me, I need to call the gym and arrange my induction so I can get started as I have not done that and this is as good a time as any!)

I'm Here! I'm Here!

2006-12-15T10:27:00.000Z

Whew!

It's been hard work, but I've been busy vegging out for the past few days. I'm about ready to move on to a new project or something right now, though, as I need something new to do.

My exam was on Tuesday and I was so relieved when I opened the examination booklet and saw that I knew the answers to the questions! A few days before the exam I became nervous (which never happens) and even had this dream that I got in the exam and didn't even recognise the questions, let alone the answers! I woke up completely panic stricken! It's pretty funny now, but it was quite bothersome when it happened.

I'm totally proud of myself that I did keep my head in the books (when I FINALLY did get going). I'm not so sure that I got a first and I dare not predict my grade, except to say that I'm positive I passed and will definitely not be lower than a 2:2, which is "eh", but since it's my prelims it's ok. When I left the exam hall, I was thinking I could have gotten first, but as the day went on, I found myself remembering little tidbits of case studies that I could have included in my answers and my lecturer is extremely picky and demands precision in answers.

One thing is for sure, the British system requires you to throroughly know and UNDERSTAND what you have studied. It's not enough to remember the key facts and terms - that's expected. What is demanded is that you demonstrate that you know how you use the information - that you think critically and can talk around the subject, pulling information from various sources and indicating originality and creativity when discussing the issue. Oh!...and if you're banking on multiple choice or short answer questions, then forget it. Ususally, it's essay questions. I had 4 to answer in 3 hours!

Bottom line: I did it and I did it well....AND I'm proud of myself!

I did have an abundance of energy after exams and wondered what to do with it all. I actually felt a bit lost having spent the week before studying anf getting in the groove. Now, after relaxing for the past few days, I'm ready to get on with something else, so I'm figuring that out right about now.

Hmmmm...I wonder where sexpot is! lol (Haven't seen her since we had that little conversation.)

Thought for today....

2006-12-08T09:29:00.000Z

"Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters."

- Nathaniel Emmons

It's OFF!

2006-12-08T08:26:00.000Z

Yes, as I'm sitting here typing this entry, the television is off.

I even feel more productive with it just being off. My head feels a little clearer to think - and to think more purposefully. It's likely just my expectations and excitement at this stage, but let's go with it, anyway.

I was reading something online about a man who was describing his own obssession with television. In fact, he had double trouble since his wife was slightly more addicted to television viewing as he was - she even slept with the telly on and if he attempted to shut it off while she was asleep, she would immediately arise with a fury!

I have this terrible habit as well - sleeping with the television on. Even on vacation, it's on all night. I've had a few times when I've been away with someone and they would turn the telly off in the mid of the night and at some point when I woke up to use the bathroom or whatever, I'd put it right back on. In fact, my father is the same way, too. I remember once he had a mild tantrum because his television would not switch on in his bedroom one evening! Believe me, it was not pretty, but it was the first time I realised just how attached he was to having the television on when he goes to bed.

However, since I've come to the UK, I have had a few nights when I've either switched the television off at night or had the volume muted. Somehow, the quality of my sleep has seemed a bit better when I've done this, so I had been doing it more and more, prior to my decision to reduce my television viewing. (Actually, I used to always remark that I could never remember my dreams and from the very first night that I arrived here, I have remembered my dreams every single night since! That's not just a television thing, though; it's a lot to do with having left a lot things - stresses - behind on Invisible Island and having the space to truly be with myself in a higher quality sense!)

There's another huge reason I need to redirect my focus away from television. As I said, I have this interest in developing my intellectual capacity and staring at the idiot box all day does nothing for it; but I am concerned that the escapism is particularly detrimental to my well being. Television gives us a false sense of self and reality. It distracts us from not only what is really important in life, but from life itself. Now, I don't think all television viewing is bad for us. Here, I am talking about the extreme levels of viewing like I've been doing. In fact, when you think of it, there's something that's pretty ridiculous: I'd venture to say that a fair number, if not most, of the people who are on the television, don't even watch the damn thing, themselves! I've heard Oprah say this loads of times on her programme, for example. She says, "I don't watch television because I'm on it all the time, so I don't really want to watch." Quite frankly, people like her and others are so busy living and doing, that they don't have time to sit and stare at a box with pictures. Isn't that something? I've been wasting time watching other people live their lives. Pretty scary when you put it in those terms, isn't it?

Just imagine what I could be doing with all of that time now. Will I get out and exercise like I need to? (Okay! One thing at a time!!!) Will I read more? Will I write? Will I socialise? Will I make a better contribution in some way? Hmmmm....Pretty amazing when you stop and think about it. I'm getting excited about the prospects!

Let's see what I come up with....."Stay tuned"..... *wink*

TOO MUCH Television!!!!

2006-12-07T13:35:00.000Z

Among my many vices, I seem to watch far too much television.

If I'm honest, I'd probably say there is likely a strong correlation (sorry, I'm reading my psychology text amid revision for my upcoming exam!) between the execessive television viewing and the excessive weight I'm carrying around! Perhaps, this isn't the case for everyone, but it seems to certainly apply to me.

I was just sitting here trying to figure how much television I actually watch in a day. Well, since classes have stopped, I'd say I could easily rack up about eight hours! I really didn't realise it was this much!!!....but when I consider the programmes that have been on in a given day and the fact that I've watched them, then this is pretty accurate and some days I could get in a bit more in!

That's pretty damn shocking! Now, I consider myself a pretty intelligent and occasionally sensible person, so how the flip did I get to this stage?!!...Hmmmm....Actually, I've always watched a lot of television. In fact, the embarrassing thing is that when I look at a number of the American programmes that are on over here in the UK, there aren't many (if any!) shows or episodes, I've not seen!

It's definitely a problem, though. That is too much time being wasted....and it's such a passive engagement of the mind. In fact, I can tell how much it affects my mind by the stunted vocabularly and challenges with concentration when I'm reading. Too much television is definitely a hindrance to my intellectual growth.

So, what am I going to do about it?

I was going to say that in the New Year, I'm going to start watching telly less!...But that's akin to saying I'll start my diet and exercise programme on Monday, isn't it? *sigh*

That means I have to start now - today. How shall I tackle it? Maybe I will pop it down to 3 to 4 hours at first. That's still quite a lot of time down the drain, though...but maybe if I do it this way for a few weeks and then keep reducing it, then it won't be so hard, especially since this will include watching the news, which I am really into, as well.

I am going to have to replace the time with something, so I think I will focus on reading more. (Errrmmmm.....seems it would make sense, huh?...After all, I AM in university!!!!).....

Wish me luck....

Cute!

2006-12-06T21:25:00.000Z

A friend sent this to me today. I thought it was both adorable and hilarious!

What I Want for Christmas! hee-hee

2006-12-06T20:58:00.000Z

I've got a confession....

You know how I have a thing for Trinny & Susannah? Well, I've been cheating on my fav tactile fashion darlings. I have a new sweetie now......

It's Nigella Lawson!!!....I mean really, can you blame me? I'm a sucker for dark hair, a posh accent, class, a gorgeous face, and a voluptuous body!...and, well, she's all that!....PLUS!...she cooks, too!!.....*sigh*.....Yep!....I'm smitten, folks!.....lol.........

Actually, I was channel surfing and spotted her on BB2 doing a bit of Christmas cooking! She can be in my kitchen anytime!....(Clearly, I needed something to post today!)

Busy Day Ahead....

2006-11-30T10:00:00.000Z

More procrastination!

(Well, there is some improvement, actually!!!)

I have an assignment due tomorrow and today is my free day, so it will be spent in the library at the PC working on it. I've done a bare bones draft, so I am okay and will have everything sorted by end of day. I've really got to change my approach to things, though! I seem to behave - with everything in my life - as though I have an infinite amount of time to get things done. This means I move at top glacial speed, at best! Amazing!...

The beautiful thing about being over here in the UK on my own for the past few months has been that I've really been tuning into things about myself. Things seem to have crystalised even more than before. I still have a hard time correcting things in my life, but I'm getting there and that makes me happy.

I'm extra proud of myself. ;)

Will tell more when I have time to post again.

Another box to tick.....

2006-11-25T11:02:00.000Z

The other day someone asked me what church I attend. (Isn't it something how there is often this assumption that someone is a Christian in this society?) I sheepishly admitted that I don't really go to church "much", so she then asked me, "If you were to go to church here, which church would you attend?" I clumsily uttered some other circular reply and we eventually established that I was baptised as a child in the Anglican church and since then I further added that I don't often go to church, but if I did, I tend to be pretty okay about whichever church I attend.

Why didn't I just tell her that I'm just not religious? I actually felt a bit embarrassed to admit it. Later, I did come to understand why I felt that way, though. In my circles - especially among blacks - I feel that saying I'm not religious is almost akin to saying I murdered someone. Jaws drop, eyes widen, and there are gasps of "What?!".....

But it's true. I'm just not a religious person. Whenever I've been to church, I feel more skepticism than before going to the service. If I read the Bible, then it can be uplifting at times (not like I read it much), but I just take it as a bunch of nice and encouraging stories meant as a guide for living in harmony and giving people something to believe in - something to hope for - so there won't be widespread panic and anarchy.

So, what am I? I think there must be something that brought us here, but not in that vivid, physical sense like when they say that God created Adam and Eve. I don't know which seems more strange to me, the bit about how He created Eve from the rib of Adam or however it goes, or the bit about how He created the earth in six days, with all its imagery, and then on the seventh day HE rested stuff....Once when this sort of discussion was going on in my office back on Invisible Island, I had shared that I just don't think this is all how it goes, then one of my colleagues looked at me in complete shock and horror and said, "What?! Are you an atheist??!!" My goodness, the way she said "atheist" even frightened me! It was as though I was dirty or something. I did take in stride and laughed about it...but lately, I've been asking myself, "What am I?"

I guess the more important question is: What do I believe?...Then again, I'm more clear about what I don't believe than what I do....Well, I don't believe things are as they say in the bible or other holy books. It just doesn't make sense to me...and, trust me, I so want to believe it, but I don't....Even somewhere in the bible I remember it saying something to the effect that God wants you to come to Him, not out of emotion, but out of reason and good thinking. I always think of that whenever I do go to church and the minister starts the call for people to come to the altar and get "saved". Often when I've been to church, I have been very overcome. Tears begin to flow and I feel I want to walk to the altar, but I know that would be wrong because I am just caught in an emotional cloud at that point. Also, I think my tears are usually about my own mortality and that of the people I love. I think about how short and precious life is and I have intense fears about "what comes next"...because I'm often afraid there is nothing next...I want to believe there really is something after we die...that there is this "Promised Land"....but I don't feel it is true...and that is very frightening.

What if there is no life after death? If we found that out, then how would our lives be different? It certainly doesn't bode well for those of us who are die hard control freaks, does it? It is the ultimate in giving up or acknowledging that we don't have control and that we have to surrender to the process of life and death and understand and accept that this is it and it truly is beyond our control: No amount of good or bad behaviour will affect the outcome - the life after death scenario. I sometimes wonder how would we all treat each other if we knew there was no life after death. As a whole would we be kinder to each other? Would we value life more? Would we kill so easily, even in the name of a cause? Would our emotional attachments be any different? Maybe we'd become a thoroughly detached society, not allowing ourselves to become so wrapped up in each other (and ourselves?) if we knew that not only will we lose each other in death, but in it's complete finality?

Then I wonder about other things like our attitudes towards homosexuality, bisexuality, and gay marriage or how we would view transexuals or the transgendered? Or how about human cloning? Would we have a different governmental system both locally or globally in a world where there was no religion and we knew there was no life after death? How would law and order be any different?

You can see the questions could be endless, can't you?

Yesterday, I had to complete a form and it asked me to tick a box indicating my religion. For the first time in my life, I ticked....Agnostic...It felt like I arrived at a new point in my life....

Procrastinating.....

2006-11-25T10:45:00.000Z

Keeping up with yesterday.

Yep! That's what I'm doing - I'm procrastinating!

I have a research report due on Monday and haven't done diddly on it. The assignment was given out during the first or second week of class and as much as I think about it, I haven't worked on it.

To be fair, it is a pretty easy assignment. I don't really have to do any major research on this one, since it's an experiement we carried out in class and I took great notes on what has to be done, but whenever I have to write something I avoid it like the plague, until the absolute last minute. It's like I have severe writer's block until it comes down to the crunch. Then, it seems the words just flow and I'm in top form.

I was reading that people who do this last minute chaotic thing tend to use it as an excuse for shoddy work, saying later, "Oh yeah, well if I put more effort it would have been much better, but I waited until the last minute." This way they feel absolve themselves of real responsibility or accountability for their performance. I think this is true with me. Family, friends, teachers, etc., have always said I was (am) very bright and marvel at how I can produce really good work under the gun. They often say, "Can you imagine if she did it way ahead of time?! The girl is something!" Yeah, I think I might have been doing it this way because I could always lean on the excuse if something went wrong and then avoid the real criticism of my work where there is no consideration of the last minute effort. It's a subconscious thing that I'm coming to understand just now.

Not good....and it's something to work on....still, I know I will get this report done...and I've promised to have it written up before the end of the day - TODAY!!!

The Mystery Girl...the crush....

2006-11-24T23:33:00.000Z

Okay, so remember the girl (woman?) I keep seeing around campus who I am so attracted to? Well, I found out a little bit about her. I was in the library one evening and saw her go out the door and so I took a chance and (no, I didn't approach her!) I asked someone I knew who she was. I was a bit terrified, in spite of looking very cool and confident in my discrete questioning. I always worry that someone will call me out as being "funny" for asking about another woman.

Anyway, I seemed to get a bit of the scoop which I am trying to take with a grain of salt, since it's all second hand info - even though it pretty much ties in with what I was thinking about her. So, here's the deal: She is said to be "very fast" and has been with a number of guys on campus and even had a fling with one of the professors. I'm told she is married, which I suspected one day as she and, what appears to be her "shadow", sat at the computer next to me in the library, as "shadow" was typing a letter for her. As she began to type the signature with "Mrs", then my crush let out a big "Ehhhh" in objection and murmured some semi-audible expletive. So, yeah, apparently she is married to or separated from an older Swedish guy and has grown step children. My source also tells me that Crush is originally from Iran and she is about 35 or so. She looks younger, but something about her does place her in this age bracket to me.

Now, I'm not so sure how accurate this info is, but it does seem all on par with some of what I thought. Whatever the case, it doesn't seem to have diminished my attraction to her. Shit!...lol... I do have to say that I sense she is quite rude,yhough, and definitely a bit fiesty. (Why do these types often attract me?! Although, I am usually turned off if it persists!)

I'm still trying to think of some way to say hi to her and strike up a conversation, but because she seems so, I don't know....I don't want to put myself in an embarrassing position. Also, like I said before, she is hardly ever on her own. She's always with this other girl the shadow; they are inseparable, it seems! Whatever the case, I imagine I will eventually get an opportunity to do so, as I've also been made aware she is going to be studying here for another year. Great!

Who knows?

Whatcha Doin'?

2006-11-23T15:24:00.000Z

Well, I've been a busy bee...Had my last lecture yesterday and have only two classes and tutorials left and then next week it's just revision in prep for the final exams.

I really can't believe the 1st term is almost over! Where did the time go? Whatever the case, I've enjoyed it. I did the right thing studying psychology. Everyday I feel like I want to learn more and more. When I started, I figured this term would be dead easy since I felt I knew so much already. What a smarty, huh? Well, there is so much more to it...and it's exciting. Studying human behavior is an eye-opening (and sometimes jaw-dropping) experience! By now I've lost track of how many case studies and pieces of original research I've read this term, but I've learned so much from them. Perhaps the most memorable case study was about the man who was turned on by prams and handbags! The poor soul would go into a fit of sexual frenzy if not aggressive behaviour whenever he's see a pram or handbag that it damn well landed him in jail a number of times...and this was a "normal" fella who was married, with a family, but had this uncontrollable urge that appeared beyond his control and understandably the source of much distress to him, his family, and not to mention the women innocently pushing their babies in prams! It's interesting to learn about the different treatments and potential causes for such behaviour - especially the extreme sorts of behaviour like this where it interferes with a person's abilty to function on a daily basis...

So, yeah, exams in about two weeks and I have two assignments due in next week. Of course I've procrastinated on them and haven't made much headway, but it's okay since they are pretty easy. I just have to write them up, which is no big deal, so I'm fine - unless I leave it until SUNDAY!!!!....I promise not to!..... :)

Oh, and can you believe it was only last evening that I got to see the doctor for the letter to hand over to the gym so I can get started?! No worries, though because the folks at the gym agreed to hold my start date until I get the go-ahead letter from the doctor saying I won't keel (sp?) over on their treadmills or the like. That way my advance payment will not be wasted. I thought that was good of them. The hold up was due to the folks at the doctor's office having to cancel my appointments because they were shortstaffed or whatever and each time it happened it meant I had an even longer wait for a next available appointment.

Anyway, it was a nice experience meeting the doctor. He's an older chap, but very sweet and personable. He had a very handsome and fatherly look to him that was quite appealing, so I enjoyed my visit with him. He seemed funny, too. I told him I liked his shirt and tie and he did this quick strike a pose thing which was hilarious. Anyway, he took my blood pressure and wrote my approval note to take to the gym and was very encouraging about me getting going with my formal exercise programme - even though I've still been walking here and there already, which has been a great help. He said my blood pressure was very good - especially given my age and weight, which did surprise me, even though I don't normally have issues with my blood pressure, anyway.

So, I'm on my way with that. Now I have to book an appointment with the trainer I spoke with initially since he was really good. Gee! by the time I get going at the gym, it will be time to go back to Invisible Island for the holidays...but that's okay, too, because I will still be exercising when I go back and the gym here will freeze my membership for the 5 weeks that I am away, which is super cool. Yippppeee!!! ;)

NO MORE

2006-11-19T16:22:00.000Z

I'm so fucked off right now.

I've had it. I really have.

Can someone tell me why I am constantly faced with soulless, unkind fucks! I KNOW I'm a good person, for fuck's sake! I KNOW I am not doing anything wrong! I KNOW it! I'm not taking this shit anymore and trying to self assess and all that fucking stuff! I'm kind and caring - clearly to a fucking fault! I genuinely care about people and their feelings. When did that become a bad thing?! All people do is either not care about kindness or fucking try to trample all over it when it's extended. NO MORE!

I have just fucking had it with everyone on this fucking planet. I REFUSE to be nice anymore! I'm so fucked off right now that I'm seriously rethinking the whole psychologist thing. Why the fuck should I go into a fucking profession to help and care about people, when they are all just fucking evil and mean. It's not worth it. I'm looking out for myself and I'm going to be as mean and fucking ruthless as I can be now.

The situations I've been faced with with people have been endless over the past whatever period. And I'm finally fucking tired of it. I'm sick and tired of people and their fucked up ways! In fact, it's not only me. I've either listened to or observed a number of situations lately and it seems people are just crazy. They have no regard for each other's feelings. One friend was talking to my last night about her marriage and I swear her husband has truly gone and lost his marbles. WTF?

Enough!!! I'm done!!!!!

And to think, I was going to post something upbeat and cheerful today! Yeah, fucking right!

Uhhh...I don't think so....

2006-11-13T08:11:00.000Z

While the comment is likely correct; the celebrity isn't. She's attractive and lovely, I'm sure, but doesn't do it for me. Shit! Look at the list! Most of them don't do it for me! If the answer was The Rock, then it would be spot on. He's big and gorgeous, just like I love 'em - the men anyway! Aniston is lovely, too, but I can't say I'd want to jump in bed with her. Something about her might tug at my heart strings and she might get me that way, but, other than this, the list is crap!.....Ah well, it gave me a chance to post! Why couldn't they have Vanessa Williams or Megan Mullally on the list?!!!....lol

Which celebrity are you most likely to have sex with? Your Result: Gwen Stefani You like your girl hot and sexy and a little bit on the wild side. You want your woman to be talented and a little bit of a tom boy. Either that or you just want a hot, married chick with rock-hard abs.
Keira Knightley
Nick Lachey
Jennifer Anniston
Matthew McConaughey
The Rock
Tommy Lee
Pamela Anderson
Which celebrity are you most likely to have sex with?

Joke of the Day!.....Apartment Rental

2006-11-08T20:45:00.000Z

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the night with her for $500. He spends the night with her, but before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. so he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam,
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied; that there wasn't any heat; and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it...if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is, indeed, of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady.

Love 'Em!

2006-11-07T20:35:00.000Z

Ooooooooooohhhhh....I so like Trinny & Susanah...I know I've said it before, but it's so worth saying it again....

I think I know what it is......I do have a thing for white women - and English white women, in particular......I find women in their 40's or thereabouts, especially attractive....They are slightly "worn" in a really beautiful way....(I even like the vague wrinkles around the mouth or hint crow's feet!...call me crazy!....look!...I think people should celebrate these things...It's natural beauty).....Women in their 40's have experienced enough of life to have learned and grown from it's ups and downs...but remain sufficiently interested in life with much of it to look forward to it, in a different way - it's another new stage of life, so you do look at it differently with each decade upon you......they are mature without being old.....

Then I am attracted to the English accent, usually.....I seem to really like Trinny's accent and voice the most.....and with this pair, they seem really open and free with what they do and say....and very tactile.....I find that extremely attractive in women....I love it when a person is very huggy and touchy, feely.....not in a sexual way - although, that's important, too!.......

On top of that, they have an air of intelligence and class about them, which usually factors significantly in my attractions to people......

It's strange, you know, because if I were to just look at their photo, without knowing anything about them, then I would not be attracted to them....doesn't mean they are unattractive, but just that they wouldn't do it for me on that basis alone......it's clearly about more than that, isn't it?..................

Gym Update

2006-11-06T21:03:00.000Z

Well, I did go to the gym for my induction and I was pleased to get this instructor, P, who was quite good. We had an honest, heart to heart chat about my weight and he seemed very genuine about offering guidance.

Unfortuantely, I didn't get to complete the induction, though, because after we finished talking and got down to addressing the dreaded numbers we hit a bit of a snag. He was getting ready to take my blood pressure and the cuff was too small for my arm, so I have to go to the doctor and have him do it and give the green light for me to train at the gym. I was very disappointed as I really wanted to get going at the gym on Saturday or even the next day, but P was really kind about it and made me feel at ease about it all.

I planned to go to the doctor today, but my brother came to visit, unexpectedly! I was so happy to see him! He had a last minute business meeting in London for tomorrow, so his flight arrived at 6am and he made the trek over to see me which is a 40 min train ride away...plus a 20 min taxi ride to the next town.....It really was good to see him, but I felt so bad for him because he had a terrible cold and he was so tired....but we managed to go for lunch and I showed him around a little and then we headed back to the train station. Before we left, he put a wad of cash on the desk for me, which made me even happier!....and after seeing him off at the train station in Milton Keynes, I hopped on the bus and headed for the mall!!!!.....Anytime I go to this mall, I end up forgetting I'm in school and have to remind myself I'm on a student budget!!!!..... Eventually, I headed home and, voila!....I'm home!

Will try to sort out the doctor's visit tomorrow.....

I did it!

2006-11-03T22:40:00.000Z

I signed up at the gym! Yaaaaayyyy!!! Go me!

Tomorrow morning I got for my induction session!

I'm a little nervous since it's a new place (as in, not Invisible Island) and am shy at first, but I'm sure it will be fine once I become more familiar with my surroundings there.

It's a really nice gym...They have a huge pool and sauna and several classes and nice facilities throughout. Hopefully, I will get to meet some new people, eventually, but, more importantly, I will be able to get serious again about my health and getting the weight off.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-11-03T18:36:00.000Z

Great!!!!

There's this girl on campus who I am so attracted to......It's making me crazy, I swear!

I've done everything to avoid bumping into her and the more I try to avoid her, then the more I see her around.

Why do I want to avoid her, you ask? Well...............she reminds me of that fucktart, Karen!.....It's really annoying.....but all I can do when I see her is wonder what she is like in bed or whatever.....It never works like that for me when it comes to women....I need to know them and really like them before that feeling happens, normally........It's probably because I see this girl and associate her with the time I had with K.....We had a nice time in bed (to put it mildly).......... *sigh*

She's even better looking than K....but has that same petite size and nice body...I don't know....I just like her and can't stand her, all at the same time.....I don't even know her!!!....Never had a conversation with her or anything.....

All I know about her is that she friggin' smokes like a chimney, which I don't like (for kissing purposes only....but have been known to make allowances for those I particularly like...or lust after!)..........Every bloody time I see her she is smoking and I can smell it mixed with her perfume whenever she enters a room....(which only makes me want to chase the scent like a real pussy whipped perv!).............She's very trendy and dresses really well.....and she has dark hair, which I like a lot.....I like her voice, too....she sounds British or a cross between British and something else.....judging from her looks, she could have a little Italian or maybe a touch of that Middle Eastern beauty......not sure......and it's a raspy voice, of course, thanks to the smoking, I'm sure......She also seems a bit fiesty....I like that and I don't like it.....I've heard her cuss a few times while reading her mail and she doesn't seem to care who hears her.....no crime in that, but I like a bit more softness.....save the cussing for more private convo......Mind you I could care less if she does all that shit (yes, I swore.....again!....lol), but is genuinely kind and decent.......nothing turns me on more than a good-looking, intelligent person, with a good heart....I LOVE IT!!!!!!!............... :)

Shit!......I got it bad, don't I?.....Damn, I need to get laid......

A post - can't think of a title

2006-11-03T06:45:00.000Z

Well, now that I've announced that I'm back, I guess I need to post, don't I?

I haven't really had much I've wanted to blog about, but I'm thinking it might serve me well to express myself here.

I'm still enjoying my studies a great deal and I have no regrets whatsoever about my decision to come here. It was definitely the right thing for me to do.

Studies are going well, but I need to study and read much more than I have been doing. My exams are on Dec 7th and I haven't much time. It's my tendency to leave it to the last minute, but I just cannot do that. One thing is for sure, there will be no multiple choice or short answer questions in the exam or even in the classwork - it's all essays, so you have to really know your stuff and critically assess things. On top of that, the exams are weighted heavily in the final marks. This term it's worth 60%. Anyway, I know I will be fine.

I didn't want to admit this, but I do feel lonely. I'd like to meet more people my age WHO I HAVE THINGS IN COMMON WITH AND WHO I LIKE BEING WITH. Why is that such a tall order? Maybe I am being too picky. I just want to be around interesting and healthy people who I enjoy.

I've also been thinking about the lunatic I was involved with. It's been almost 2 years now since that crashed and burned...and over a year since I've spoken with her. Maybe it's because I'm in the UK now and there are many things reminding me of her that I seem to be thinking of her far more than before I left Invisible Island. More likely, it's because I feel lonely and that is the last familiar thing I had. I don't miss her, but I miss some of the closeness and nice things we shared. I don't like not having someone in my life and for my bed (my heart) to be so empty. Part of me thinks this is how I am destined to be. That worries me. Life isn't meant to be that way. It can't be.

Basically, I wake up, go to classes, go to the library, or I'm in my room. As you can imagine, most of the students here are much younger so the social scene is not on my level and the area is very small. Been there done that in my teens and twenties. I have met some people my age and older. They are nice, but, like I said, not quite what I am looking for. Besides, here, everyone is pretty busy because it is a very intense programme and you are under the gun to perform - whether you're young or old. I have to admit, I like being in a school where people are really focused and heavily into their studies. It's definitely not a party school. I like that a lot.

I don't miss Invisible Island. (I was going to say "home", but I have decided that home is wherever I am at the time.) I think in the past few weeks I began grieving the loss of my mother again. She's the only one I really miss - not as she is now....I miss who she was before the Alzheimer's began. It's just that I know how supportive and proud she would be of me if she knew what I was doing. She would be calling me and visiting at some point and we'd go shopping and she'd give me all kinds of advice. We used to have great times. Even when we drove each other nuts (half the time she felt I didn't want to be with her - and I didn't, sometimes - but I think I like that she and her care and support were just there....I guess I sometimes took it for granted and didn't consider that one day it won't be there), I was still grateful to have her as my mother....But that's over, and I need to move on. Stitch myself up and become whole again.

Funny enough, I've been learning about adult attachment in my studies and it has made me think of my own attachment to my parents - my mother in particular. Clearly, my mother and I were overly attached and maybe far more than I realise. I think my whole sense of security was wrapped up in the knowledge that no matter what I did, my mother loved me and would be there for me. Now that this has pretty much slipped away, I think it is part of why I feel extra empty without a relationship. Maybe I am trying to replace that attachment - trying to replace the support and unconditional love I had from my mother (and my father)... Does that sound weird? It might, but I think it helps me understand what is going on with me. Maybe this is why I took it so hard when Karen (the lunatic) hurt me and left. Well, I know that was also about the way she did it, but I also think it was about timing....it was in the midst of me first facing what was happening with my mother. I didn't know it at the time...but it has crystalised over time.

I feel embarrassed saying it, but I do feel very unloved and uncared for. I tend to measure how loved I am by the amount of attention I do or don't get. Even on my blog, when I had people reading, if they didn't comment or they stopped visiting, then I would feel very rejected and upset. Silly, I know, but again, very real.........It's like now that I am over here, the people I thought were the closest to me and who I thought really cared, don't even keep in contact with me, so I feel hurt and resentful and want to write them off as friends. At first when I came over here I had tons of emails during the first week or so. (Quite frankly, I think I generated a number of those emails by initiating the contact.) Now I don't hear from much of anyone. My eldest brother is really great about writing me, though, and that is nice. Interestingly, he is probably the busiest of the people I know, but he is the one who writes to me almost daily. (It probably helps that he has a Blackberry and can easily access his emails, but whatever.) Even yesterday he wrote and said "You're quiet. Are you okay?" That meant a lot to me. Still, I privately believe he will stop writing, if I put no effort in.

Growing up, my parents gave me a lot of attention - A LOT. I was always happy about that and felt really lucky, but I am now seeing this is the down side: the rest of the world isn't going to give you that kind of attention. It just doesn't go that way. Even though I'm a grown adult - at 37 - it is hard to adjust to and I see how it colours my view of the world and my interactions with people......How do I break that cycle? How do I change my expectations of people which might be unrealistic? How do I not get disappointed or even angry with people when they don't call or write or they take long (by my standards) to be in touch? Or they don't take an interest in my life in the way I think they should?....How do I make this change when this is all I've known?....

I guess I just "do".....but I don't really know how at the moment....I don't....

I'm aware of how negaitive I must sound, but I have to get out what I feel. If it's negative, then it's negative. All I'm trying to do is understand life and understand myself. I need to get it out, somehow....

:)

2006-08-25T04:56:00.000+01:00

Guess what?

I had that cyst removed from my underarm! (Yaaaaayyyy me!!!)

And, yes, I was a total baby about the whole thing, but it was over in less than half an hour. The surgeon even showed it to me. It was the size of a little marble and pretty, well, ewwwwww!

So, he's stitched me up and I go back in a week and then he will see how the other small bump under my other arm is doing and if it is still a bother he will address it then, since this one is much smaller and more pimple-like, rather than a full bump like the first one.

Have to admit, it was a tad odd going to this guy. He was an old British chap and his office is in a building where I used to go when I was little since my old doc was (and still is!) located there. Damn, even the furniture looked the same as when I used to go to this place. Interestingly, all of the doctors in this building fit the same profile: old, white, highly conservative, British men.

Where I go now, there is a practice of just three expat women who are all married to locals. They are particularly focused on women and families and structure their practice to cater to this. It took me a while to go to a female doctor, but now I can't see myself making an easy transition to a guy doc on a regular basis. (Something to think about for when I head over to the UK. I'll need to choose a physician.)

Anyhoo, all is good and I'm smiling. (I started writing this post on Thursday night and here it is Friday morning and I'm running out the door to get to work.)

Can't come up with a title....

2006-08-21T03:10:00.000+01:00

Something happened just now that has me worried about my health. I feel afraid to talk about it and hope it will pass and, as mentioned, I don't like going to the doctor or tackling this kind of shit head on. Instead, I bury my head in the sand and avoid it. Please don't say anything to me about this, I think I just need to vent...just need to get it out into the cosmos kind of thing. You know?

What I do realize is that now, more than ever, I must take better care of myself. Yes, I have been very anxious lately, but overall, I think I have been severely stressed for too long. Severely stressed...

One of the things that has been stressing me out the most is dealing with my mother. I know it is not her fault and it is all because of the Alzheimer's, but it is wearing me down. While going back to school is about getting on with my life and going after what I want, I have to admit that it is also about getting away from my mother...and the rest of my family.

This evening I caught the last few minutes of Desperate Housewives and one of the characters dropped her teenaged son off in the middle of no where and told him, "I just can't be around you anymore. I'm just not strong enough." I related to this, albeit for different reasons...but I related all the same.

Yes, I am gripped by guilt, anger, and every other negative emotion there is about my feelings and attitude about my mother's situation, but I no longer feel I can cope with what is happening. I just can't. It is unhealthy to go through the emotional highs and lows of what is going on with my mother. Maybe I am too close to the situation to be her caregiver. Maybe every child is not cut out to care for his or her aging parents. The thing is, I was raised with the understanding that it is my responsibility - it is the responsibilty of all children to care for their parents once the roles have reversed. After all, they cared for us.

I know I am saying a lot of nothing here. I don't feel like rehashing the details. I'm just tired. I can't stand that Alzheimer's is taking my mother. I can't stand that I am so angry and sad about it. I can't stand that I feel so alone in dealing with my feelings about it and in the daily care of my mother. I can't stand that I lose patience and handle things poorly at times and then beat myself up for it.

Today, I had a frustrating episode with my mother and I really felt like losing it. You see, my mother has a very strong personality and the Alzheimer's doesn't make it any easier. She gets extremely mean with her words at times and I find it unbearable, like I am going to lose it. I can feel my body change when I get frustrated and angry. My heart races, my head begins to hurt, and I just don't feel good.

A lot of the time, I wish I had someone in my life. I think it would help to have someone who cares about me and who I care about to keep me balanced. Actually, that would just be special on all fronts.

Anyway, I am just going to try to take care of myself. Lately, I have been eating like CRAZY and haven't exercised in I don't know how long. I've gained I don't know how much more weight, but it's always a clear sign that things are out of control when your underpants get too tight and even my super big undies have gotten tight. Trust me, there is nothing worse than being in a meeting and you feel your underpants roll down past your stomach! SO not cute!

Tomorrow, I am going to try to stick to fruits and veggies and do what I can to avoid the processed foods and all the excess sodium, sugar, and high fat foods that I normally inhale in HUGE doses. Maybe you can all help to hold me accountable. Right now I seriously need help because I have a problem with food and I am concerned about my health.

Had My Appointment!

2006-08-17T11:02:00.000+01:00

Yep! Yesterday was the big day. I went to the bank for the loan and things look good. I will have a confirmation by Tuesday. The woman I dealt with was really great. She was very professional and put me at ease about everything. My family kept telling me there was nothing to worry about, but since I hadn't been through this before, I was a bit anxious.

I took out enough to cover the first three terms (there are 9 in total) and this should carry me to the end of June 2007. By that time, I hope to be able to get funding though other means, so fingers crossed on that.

For now, I am relieved this part is over. Now, the pace is going to really pick up. I can feel things moving quickly already. The school has finally begun communicating the all important arrival and preparation details. I actually am feeling more excited than nervous today.

Yep. I'm smiling.... ;)

(Oh!...I haven't given the doctor a ring, but am going to take care of that today. Interestingly the bump under my right arm doesn't seem to be hurting as much and appears to have gone down a little. Errrrmmm......Oddly, I noticed this seemed to happen not long after my appointment....Hmmmm....maybe I worked myself up more than I thought....Anyway, I'm going to get it addressed regardless.)

Thanks for your support, guys. You're all great!

Hmmmm....

2006-08-15T03:28:00.000+01:00

Don't know what to write tonight. I just wanted to come on here and say "something" before going to bed.

Oh!!! I know!!! Here's an important newsflash:

The ass itch has pretty much gone!

You cannot imagine what a relief this is!!!! (Now stop laughing, Celtgirl!...You're so naughty!)

Thanks for your comments. I do think you are right, doctorlucy; I AM feeling quite a bit of anxiety with the upcoming changes - more so than I thought. And, Nursepam, yep, after reading up on it, I discovered the antibiotics might be the culprit. (By the way, you can be my nurse anytime! *wink! wink*).....

Also, I am figuring that I might be getting my period. It's sure to be a terrible one given these fierce signs lately: mood swings, the poor-me's, bumps under the arms, overeating, cravings....blah, blah, blah....

I do have to get these bumps treated, though. They are becoming uncomfortable with the slight stinging. I didn't ring the doctor this morning, but will address this week. I promise!

Admittedly, my focus is on my appointment with the bank this Wednesday for my loan. I'm told this is pretty much a formality since my family knows the person who approves the loans and stuff, but I am still nervous. I don't know them and haven't been to the bank for a large loan before, so will see how it goes. Wish me luck!

Other than all of this, and what I think is a serious case of PMS, I have to admit that I am struggling with missing my mother. Maybe because the time is drawing near for me to leave the island, I feel gripped by the sadness of it all. This is going to sound awful, but lately I have found myself wondering if it just wouldn't have been better to have lost my mother to some other more sudden illness that would spare her (and us!) dignity and this slow and painful deterioration of who she is. People, Alzheimer's is one cruel bitch of a disease! I hate it so much and feel so angry about it. It's horrible to watch and feel my mother slowly disappear. I miss her TERRIBLY. I know if she was fully herself, she would be here for me and I wouldn't feel so alone in going about my plans and changes. She would be my number one cheerleader. I miss that so much. It makes me cry lots.

Anyway, I am trying to keep it together and not worry so much (in spite of how I sound). There's just me and I can't afford to fall to pieces. I keep telling myself that everything will work or....everything will be okay. I really am hoping it will be this way....

.........

2006-08-05T16:13:00.000+01:00

I don't feel ike myself today.

Maybe I feel too much like myself.

Feeling weird...sad...but not sure why...It's not even a full throttle sad...it's like being on the cusp...I haven't really felt like this in a very long time...bothers me....

Birthday Girl

2006-06-28T03:11:00.000+01:00

Yep! I'm a happy and healthy, not so wealthy, and sometimes wise 37 year old broad today! Whooooppeee!!! Had a lovely day. Nothing major. Just happy to be alive another year on the planet. Enjoying it....and looking forward to many, many more!

Blogging to resume shortly...

2006-06-18T02:34:00.000+01:00

I've been glued to the World Cup and doing loads of reading to revive these brain cells of mine. Just finished reading Madelaine Albright's book The Mighty and the Almighty. I highly recommend it.

I was sitting here trying to decide what I wanted to read next and opted for a change of pace, so have just started reading E. Lynn Harris's I Say a Little Prayer. I've read all of his books so far, which is a bit rare for me to stick with one authour like that, but I thoroughly enjoy his books.

Will update my blog soon. I promise!